Sunday, December 31, 2006
Diseased and Unclean
Oh my, I am so sick! Seriously, it's amazing how fast this came about. It was only three days ago and I was fine, in good health (generally) and then BAM! I've got lungs full of crap and my nose just wont stop producing its lovely, slimy goo. Oh yeah, did I mention that because it's New Years I can't take time off from work to get well. You see, New Years is on of the busiest times of the year for us...Our warehouse is empty and we've got a concert tonight that I have to work. But I sick and weary :\ Oh well, it's extra bills in my pocket. I hope this sickness passes soon.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Trials and Tribulations...
I'm in one of those sad and depressing moods where I would like to talk to someone, but the only person I would really be totally open and honest with is going through pretty much the same thing. So I now turn to my blog. Is that sad? I'll unpack that some other time.
I mentioned in my previous blog how I may put on a show that I really like the holiday season, but deep down inside, I can't stand this time of year...The reason: I'M LONELY!
I recently had a discussion with a friend where we discussed such things as deepest fears, what makes you happy, craziest thing you've ever done and so on...and my greatest fear is to be alone all my life and never know love (agape or eros). And I now realize how long it took for me to come up with an answer for what makes me happy. My answer ended up being moments with friends where we're having fun, but can be very honest and intimate with each other because it gives me hope that happiness is out there.
I also have a great mother and aunt who say that I'm too great of a guy to be alone, that she'll find me one day...I believe they're right. I believe that one day happiness and the purest joy God can give will one day be mine to experience for a season. But not yet.
Why is this? I'm sure that there are other people experiencing the same thing..."Why am I alone again?" And I have to say that I just think that I'm (we're) not quite ready. For me, I am in the middle of a season of growth and maturation. There's no way that what I'm going through is not meant to teach me or stretch me; it's just not possible. You see, I don't think that we have the capability to be who we're meant to be unless we go through certain trials; trials break down the rough edges and in transition from one trial to another, we're buffed out; to smooth out the edges.
I'm sure this isn't a new concept to anyone, but it has taken on a new meaning for me: We don't have periods of trials in life, we have periods of life in our trials. We will never be free of trials and tribulations, but we can benefit from the refining process if we simply let it happen. That's it I guess.
I just need to sit back and let it happen and be the best friend/employee/son/brother or whatever I can be.
I mentioned in my previous blog how I may put on a show that I really like the holiday season, but deep down inside, I can't stand this time of year...The reason: I'M LONELY!
I recently had a discussion with a friend where we discussed such things as deepest fears, what makes you happy, craziest thing you've ever done and so on...and my greatest fear is to be alone all my life and never know love (agape or eros). And I now realize how long it took for me to come up with an answer for what makes me happy. My answer ended up being moments with friends where we're having fun, but can be very honest and intimate with each other because it gives me hope that happiness is out there.
I also have a great mother and aunt who say that I'm too great of a guy to be alone, that she'll find me one day...I believe they're right. I believe that one day happiness and the purest joy God can give will one day be mine to experience for a season. But not yet.
Why is this? I'm sure that there are other people experiencing the same thing..."Why am I alone again?" And I have to say that I just think that I'm (we're) not quite ready. For me, I am in the middle of a season of growth and maturation. There's no way that what I'm going through is not meant to teach me or stretch me; it's just not possible. You see, I don't think that we have the capability to be who we're meant to be unless we go through certain trials; trials break down the rough edges and in transition from one trial to another, we're buffed out; to smooth out the edges.
I'm sure this isn't a new concept to anyone, but it has taken on a new meaning for me: We don't have periods of trials in life, we have periods of life in our trials. We will never be free of trials and tribulations, but we can benefit from the refining process if we simply let it happen. That's it I guess.
I just need to sit back and let it happen and be the best friend/employee/son/brother or whatever I can be.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
'Tis the season...
A lot of people will be saying this phrase along with a plethora of others now that we've hit that Thanksgiving valley and head now right towards Christmas and New Years...
It's usually around this time that I get a little depressed for the usual reasons; I have no one special to share the holidays with, I'm not at the point in my career I planned on being at, I'm unable to bless others as much or as well as I would want...You know, the usual. I've never really told anyone this, but I really don't enjoy this time of year as much as I say I do. And I really think it's influenced by many things that happened as I grew up and then capped with more recent events.
For instance: Many a year ago, I think I was somewhere around the age of 12-13 ish and I could have sworn that I had been a good child throughout the year (I knew that was a stretch, but I had hope) and it turned out that everyone disagreed. It was the most miserable Christmas ever. Not too long after in my sophomore year of high school, my girlfriend broke up with me at our church youth group's New Year's Party. And of coarse now that I'm older, I look at what I planned for my life and compare to where I'm at now and I'm no where near it.
Part of this I have to admit is a good thing. I now know that, had things gone according to plan, I probably would not have graduated college.
So now I take account of my life this year and really try to discern what I'm genuinely thankful for, what I can be proud of and what I should work on...The results aren't pretty. Things I'm thankful for: Supportive parents; no matter what hole I put myself in, they believed in me and helped me when they could. A place to call my own; I spent close to 5 months without a place to live and it was excruciatingly miserable. A friend who will listen to my drama and help me deal with it. Things I can be proud of? To be honest, there's not that many if any at all. I've spent the majority of this year walking the line; spiritually, mentally,
financially and in my relationships. I have no foundation. Which leads into what I should work on. I need a center. I need to be secure in who I am. I need to surround myself with good people again. I had it once while I was at Vanguard, but now that I'm "out of the bubble" those I called family will have nothing to do with me.
It's sad really. It's like I've been contaminated by some unseen viral outbreak that causes that school and its students to quarantine themselves away from all that is outside. I feel so alone at this time of year. And to just rub it all in, I've got all the women in my family (mom, aunts, grandmas, etc.) telling me over and over again that I'm such a great person and that one day "she" will find me...I'm kinda sick of it. Why don't we just say that I'm single and let it stand at that. I mean seriously, I've been single for 6 years now and still no inkling of a sign of this mysterious "she"...
Goodness, am I touchy about that. Sorry...anyway. Suffice it to say that the holidays depress me and I really wish they didn't because I would love to be truly happy at this time of year.
It's usually around this time that I get a little depressed for the usual reasons; I have no one special to share the holidays with, I'm not at the point in my career I planned on being at, I'm unable to bless others as much or as well as I would want...You know, the usual. I've never really told anyone this, but I really don't enjoy this time of year as much as I say I do. And I really think it's influenced by many things that happened as I grew up and then capped with more recent events.
For instance: Many a year ago, I think I was somewhere around the age of 12-13 ish and I could have sworn that I had been a good child throughout the year (I knew that was a stretch, but I had hope) and it turned out that everyone disagreed. It was the most miserable Christmas ever. Not too long after in my sophomore year of high school, my girlfriend broke up with me at our church youth group's New Year's Party. And of coarse now that I'm older, I look at what I planned for my life and compare to where I'm at now and I'm no where near it.
Part of this I have to admit is a good thing. I now know that, had things gone according to plan, I probably would not have graduated college.
So now I take account of my life this year and really try to discern what I'm genuinely thankful for, what I can be proud of and what I should work on...The results aren't pretty. Things I'm thankful for: Supportive parents; no matter what hole I put myself in, they believed in me and helped me when they could. A place to call my own; I spent close to 5 months without a place to live and it was excruciatingly miserable. A friend who will listen to my drama and help me deal with it. Things I can be proud of? To be honest, there's not that many if any at all. I've spent the majority of this year walking the line; spiritually, mentally,
financially and in my relationships. I have no foundation. Which leads into what I should work on. I need a center. I need to be secure in who I am. I need to surround myself with good people again. I had it once while I was at Vanguard, but now that I'm "out of the bubble" those I called family will have nothing to do with me.
It's sad really. It's like I've been contaminated by some unseen viral outbreak that causes that school and its students to quarantine themselves away from all that is outside. I feel so alone at this time of year. And to just rub it all in, I've got all the women in my family (mom, aunts, grandmas, etc.) telling me over and over again that I'm such a great person and that one day "she" will find me...I'm kinda sick of it. Why don't we just say that I'm single and let it stand at that. I mean seriously, I've been single for 6 years now and still no inkling of a sign of this mysterious "she"...
Goodness, am I touchy about that. Sorry...anyway. Suffice it to say that the holidays depress me and I really wish they didn't because I would love to be truly happy at this time of year.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Recent Thoughts...
So today I was at work at a very slow point in the day and I got to browsing my MySpace friends and something got me thinking…
What would you tell me if I asked you who your real, life-long friends were? I’m sure you would have a list of at least a few people, and to be honest with you, I have a list of my own. I figured it out today that my list was just cut in half…I guess it shouldn’t surprise me considering that I haven’t spent any time (other than email) with these people in four of five months; but still, there was a point in my life where I called these people family…we laughed, we lived, we loved.
My point is, we have these perceptions at this point in our life, and we know what we’re feeling now…but you never know for how long. And if you live on believing things are fine and dandy, it just hurts more when you realize the truth; that despite any effort by you, they don’t care enough to reciprocate the time/effort.
And the pain begins.
And the memories flow.
And the good time role.
And the images go black.
I think what makes it so hard for me is that either no one thought that I would want to know what was going on in their lives or I’ve been forgotten. Now, I realize that I may just be over-reacting, and I totally understand and might think/feel the same if I weren’t me, but I am me and there is no escaping that. It just hurts to see that my “family” and I have stopped being friends and fallen back to being acquaintances or just “someone I knew…”
A few years ago I went through something very similar to this; I blamed myself and barely survived. Now it just hurts down deep because I loved them and cherished their friendship. I just want the pain to stop.
Please don’t get me wrong; I’m glad to see that they’re happy with their lives. I just wish we were still family. So, if you have ever had a really close friend and stopped communicating for whatever reason, please don’t forget them when big things happen in your life. They will care and they do want to know.
I guess that’s it for now. I don’t hate anyone and I don’t mean to complain, I just needed to get it out so I can work through and get passed all of it so I can move on with my life and find my real life-long friends.
If my “family” is reading this, thank you for the good times, laughs and love. I miss you.
What would you tell me if I asked you who your real, life-long friends were? I’m sure you would have a list of at least a few people, and to be honest with you, I have a list of my own. I figured it out today that my list was just cut in half…I guess it shouldn’t surprise me considering that I haven’t spent any time (other than email) with these people in four of five months; but still, there was a point in my life where I called these people family…we laughed, we lived, we loved.
My point is, we have these perceptions at this point in our life, and we know what we’re feeling now…but you never know for how long. And if you live on believing things are fine and dandy, it just hurts more when you realize the truth; that despite any effort by you, they don’t care enough to reciprocate the time/effort.
And the pain begins.
And the memories flow.
And the good time role.
And the images go black.
I think what makes it so hard for me is that either no one thought that I would want to know what was going on in their lives or I’ve been forgotten. Now, I realize that I may just be over-reacting, and I totally understand and might think/feel the same if I weren’t me, but I am me and there is no escaping that. It just hurts to see that my “family” and I have stopped being friends and fallen back to being acquaintances or just “someone I knew…”
A few years ago I went through something very similar to this; I blamed myself and barely survived. Now it just hurts down deep because I loved them and cherished their friendship. I just want the pain to stop.
Please don’t get me wrong; I’m glad to see that they’re happy with their lives. I just wish we were still family. So, if you have ever had a really close friend and stopped communicating for whatever reason, please don’t forget them when big things happen in your life. They will care and they do want to know.
I guess that’s it for now. I don’t hate anyone and I don’t mean to complain, I just needed to get it out so I can work through and get passed all of it so I can move on with my life and find my real life-long friends.
If my “family” is reading this, thank you for the good times, laughs and love. I miss you.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Rollercoaster anyone?
Life is a rollercoaster!
Over the last couple of weeks I have experienced countless ups, downs, banks/turns, cork screws, and whatever else I can't see straight! BUT...I love that there's a but...rollercoasters also have an end. I have hit the end of this rollercoaster, and am feeling pretty good considering...
Crappy boss, Low pay, no social life, high bills and not the best of health at the moment.
But, even with all that, I feel strangely "okay" with life at the moment. Kinda like, "this ride is done...WHAT'S NEXT!?"
I believe God is now preparing me for the next rollercoaster in my life. I've been torn down and now I need to be built back up. That's life I guess. I'll try to write more later.
Over the last couple of weeks I have experienced countless ups, downs, banks/turns, cork screws, and whatever else I can't see straight! BUT...I love that there's a but...rollercoasters also have an end. I have hit the end of this rollercoaster, and am feeling pretty good considering...
Crappy boss, Low pay, no social life, high bills and not the best of health at the moment.
But, even with all that, I feel strangely "okay" with life at the moment. Kinda like, "this ride is done...WHAT'S NEXT!?"
I believe God is now preparing me for the next rollercoaster in my life. I've been torn down and now I need to be built back up. That's life I guess. I'll try to write more later.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
NEW HOME!!!
Okay, so for those of you (there are many...sorry for being a bad friend...) I finally have a house! I'm so tired, but I can now rest! For the last two and a half months I've been living out of a bad and now...! I have STUFF!
If you can't tell, I'm very happy. The house is located in a very "nice place to live," Fountain Valley just a few blocks from where I work! I'm rooming with my brother and my friend Paul and what's cool is we each have our own room! I don't remember what that's like! Heck, I really don't remember what it's like to have a room period...Oh well.
I don't know when the house warming party will be, but we might have two (one with "non-A/G" activities and one "A/G"). I'll let you all know at another time!
Lates!
If you can't tell, I'm very happy. The house is located in a very "nice place to live," Fountain Valley just a few blocks from where I work! I'm rooming with my brother and my friend Paul and what's cool is we each have our own room! I don't remember what that's like! Heck, I really don't remember what it's like to have a room period...Oh well.
I don't know when the house warming party will be, but we might have two (one with "non-A/G" activities and one "A/G"). I'll let you all know at another time!
Lates!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Recent Events and Haps
Wow, have I been busy! This month at work, we've not had a lot of outside gigs to do, but the ones we did have were HUGE! (Which means mo money in my pocket...) Anyway, on top of that, I've been trying to find a place to live cuz as of the 1st, I'm homeless again. Oh boy, what is it with me and not having a home... :( Oh well. I will say this, it's flippin' hard to find a house/condo/appartment/etc. for three people on a some-what tight budget. I'm sure we'll find something. That's it for now, I'll write again some other time. Lates!
Friday, June 23, 2006
As time goes on...
Here's a little update to keep things moving... Work is a lot of fun and I'm learning a lot about production and operations of pro audio, dj audio and dj lighting. The two guys I work with are a blast, one is a little rough around the edges, but he loves a good time like anyone else and the other is a very cool and collected tech maniac. I started working for them on the 1st of this month and I think I'll be here for a while; there is still a lot for me to learn and get used to, but I'm starting to get the hang of things.
Some other interesting news, I'll be moving soon. Me, my brother and my friend have been looking for a house to rent recently and have stumbled upon a management company that is totally going to help us out. I'm really excited because we should have a place within the next two weeks! Our own house! Not an apartment! As soon as we get settled in, I'm hoping to throw some mad good parties. I can't wait.
Although one downside to this new job is the random-ness of gigs (shows). They can be any time and any where and if you want to make a decent amount of money, then you need to do whatever gigs you can get, cuz office work won't pay all the bills on it's own. I guess that's the risk when dealing with contracted live production. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.
Lates.
Some other interesting news, I'll be moving soon. Me, my brother and my friend have been looking for a house to rent recently and have stumbled upon a management company that is totally going to help us out. I'm really excited because we should have a place within the next two weeks! Our own house! Not an apartment! As soon as we get settled in, I'm hoping to throw some mad good parties. I can't wait.
Although one downside to this new job is the random-ness of gigs (shows). They can be any time and any where and if you want to make a decent amount of money, then you need to do whatever gigs you can get, cuz office work won't pay all the bills on it's own. I guess that's the risk when dealing with contracted live production. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.
Lates.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Sorry for the long wait...
Hey everybody...I'm sorry it's been so long since I've blogged, but a lot has been happening that I've had to deal with and work through. This time surprisingly, it has not been emotional or spiritual but rather physical...living situations, work, finances, etc.
However, I am pleased to say that things are starting to look up for a change! I recently started at a new job where I get to play with lot's of audio equipment and do some fun stuff for set up and rentals. Anyway, not only that, but if I didn't blog earlier about it, my former roommates left and I've had to deal with cleaning up after them...anyway, that's just about done and I have a place to stay temporarily too!
In other words, times are changing and I am coping with it all as it comes by the grace of God.
More to come...Lates!
However, I am pleased to say that things are starting to look up for a change! I recently started at a new job where I get to play with lot's of audio equipment and do some fun stuff for set up and rentals. Anyway, not only that, but if I didn't blog earlier about it, my former roommates left and I've had to deal with cleaning up after them...anyway, that's just about done and I have a place to stay temporarily too!
In other words, times are changing and I am coping with it all as it comes by the grace of God.
More to come...Lates!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Rough Times
Okay, so lately I've been living some very rough times that just aren't always peaceful or healthy for me. After losing my job I was hoping that with my degree and experience it wouldn't be that hard to find work...HAHAHA It's turned out to be way harder than I ever thought. Every opportunity I've found hasn't really opened any more than an opportunity. It's kinda like a tease, it's a bit annoying really. Anyway, it's coming down to the wire and I'm very tired of not hearing back from people.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Sad times...
So in two days, I will be turning twenty-three (23). I have no job. I have no girlfriend. I have no "place of my own." I think back to when I was WAY younger and all the plans and dreams I had; like being engaged when I graduated, working as either a recording engineer or live sound engineer, owning a car (no longer making payments). Things have changed so much since then. I don't have any of that stuff.
...I guess that's why they call them "dreams."...
What do I have? I finally have a car (I just purchased and started making payments). I have friends who like to hang out with me. I have "potential" (according to my parents). I have family. I also have many many bills each month that must be paid (sorry, the cynic in me couldn't resist).
I don't know where God is leading me, and I realize that our plans aren't perfect *which is why they hardly ever work*, but waiting to see where God has planned for me is taxing. I'll be 23, a good age to be in the beginnings of a career, to be dating or even engaged. However, I'm unemployed, single, and starting to become depressed because the "big picture" is blurring out of sight; it's still there, but I can't see it any more.
Life goes on, right? I hope so. Maybe one day I will be beginning a career, maybe one day I will have a girlfriend, maybe one day I will dream again. Maybe one day. Until then...
...I guess that's why they call them "dreams."...
What do I have? I finally have a car (I just purchased and started making payments). I have friends who like to hang out with me. I have "potential" (according to my parents). I have family. I also have many many bills each month that must be paid (sorry, the cynic in me couldn't resist).
I don't know where God is leading me, and I realize that our plans aren't perfect *which is why they hardly ever work*, but waiting to see where God has planned for me is taxing. I'll be 23, a good age to be in the beginnings of a career, to be dating or even engaged. However, I'm unemployed, single, and starting to become depressed because the "big picture" is blurring out of sight; it's still there, but I can't see it any more.
Life goes on, right? I hope so. Maybe one day I will be beginning a career, maybe one day I will have a girlfriend, maybe one day I will dream again. Maybe one day. Until then...
Friday, March 31, 2006
Weird change of events...
Okay so I go into work today, just like I do every Friday, and start doing my thing...Since there is a big class Thursday nights that use a lot of equipment, I generally have to clean up after them and reorganize everything they used. So I do that, and when I'm done, I look at my equipment check out board and see what is going out today. Hmmm...cool, so now that everything is where it's supposed to be, I can now set aside that equipment for the people when they come to pick it up. Alright! Done. Now what else is there...oh yeah, make sure the editing room are clean...As I do this I get to the audio studio and the door is shut and locked. No big deal, I go to get the key, and the key box is gone...hmmm, wired...I call my boss to see if she knew where it was, but only get her voice mail. I leave the message and hang up. Well that's all done. Now what? Well, everything is done that needed to be done, okay, time to be a lab monitor and sit out front waiting for people. About 20 minutes later, my boss walks in and says, I want you to stop working for the day, get your stuff and come with me to HR...
*Wheels come to a screeching halt* "I'm sorry, did I just hear you correctly? Are you firing me?" And then she goes in to these different "budgetary" reasons why I'm being let go, and by the way I'm being paid out of a budget that was set aside specifically for my position and nothing else. So I ask her why I'm really being let go and all she says is, "It's time; I need you to go."
Um...okay, why? Same response...Alright, now I'm hurt. If she had given me any reason, I would have been cool and postmodern about it and said, alright, if that's how you feel, okay. But she didn't! No reason whatsoever! That burns.
And so now I'm currently making about 35 % of what I was before, and according to my boss, that 35% is enough to "keep me going"...RIGHT! That's a laugh, I've been barely making it as it is, and I just bought a car for goodness' sake.
Oh well, right? I'm trying to see a bright side of this, but because I have no job offers on the table, it's a bit dark and hazy right now. I'd appreciate prayer for provision right about now. Thanks.
*Wheels come to a screeching halt* "I'm sorry, did I just hear you correctly? Are you firing me?" And then she goes in to these different "budgetary" reasons why I'm being let go, and by the way I'm being paid out of a budget that was set aside specifically for my position and nothing else. So I ask her why I'm really being let go and all she says is, "It's time; I need you to go."
Um...okay, why? Same response...Alright, now I'm hurt. If she had given me any reason, I would have been cool and postmodern about it and said, alright, if that's how you feel, okay. But she didn't! No reason whatsoever! That burns.
And so now I'm currently making about 35 % of what I was before, and according to my boss, that 35% is enough to "keep me going"...RIGHT! That's a laugh, I've been barely making it as it is, and I just bought a car for goodness' sake.
Oh well, right? I'm trying to see a bright side of this, but because I have no job offers on the table, it's a bit dark and hazy right now. I'd appreciate prayer for provision right about now. Thanks.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Investments
It seems to me that we never fully let go or get over something that we invest a lot of time and effort and what ever resources. One person specifically has triggered these thoughts, but the more I think about it, the farther back I think and realize where I've been, what I've had, what I've gone through, who was there...
You see, I have my instant messenger program open next to my web browser and a certain someone is logged it right now that I feel a bit nervous talking to. Not necessarily because of how I feel now, but how I used to feel. Anyway, what I'm trying to set up is this...the things/people we invest in, become a part of us.
I remember back in high school, my freshmen year; I was lost. I ended up hanging out with some people that just weren't that great of an influence, but they were willing to let me hang around, so naturally I did. After a rough year of trying to be myself and virtually living under my brother's shadow, I was just as lost if not more so because my brother graduated and I was alone. Fortunately, I met some good people that saw me and started investing in me time and effort into being friends. These people, my soon to be friends were different from the others because they didn't know me, they had no preconceptions or expectations, they liked me for who I was.
Once trust was built up and many common qualities were developed, I started investing time into them and myself; we became a close family. Through the next three years we hung out and spent time inside and outside of school just hanging around, being ourselves. Every lunch we would sit in a specific area of the campus and we would sit, eat, talk, play our guitars, play random card games...we were happy.
One day we all graduated and when the summer was over, many of us parted ways; some went to this college, others went to that college and a couple went to yonder college. Hardly any of us kept in touch all that much. Eventually I lost track of where people were and how they've been doing; which brings us to the present.
Like this single person I spent a lot of time getting to know and opening up to them, these people from high school have become a part of me. They may not all be a part of me that is on the surface all the time, but somewhere inside me, I'm still sitting on the grass eating lunch with them...Somewhere inside, I'm still walking along the beach to a lifeguard tower talking for hours.
If any of you are reading this, whether from high school or college, I would not be who I am if it were not for YOU. Thank you for investing in me.
You see, I have my instant messenger program open next to my web browser and a certain someone is logged it right now that I feel a bit nervous talking to. Not necessarily because of how I feel now, but how I used to feel. Anyway, what I'm trying to set up is this...the things/people we invest in, become a part of us.
I remember back in high school, my freshmen year; I was lost. I ended up hanging out with some people that just weren't that great of an influence, but they were willing to let me hang around, so naturally I did. After a rough year of trying to be myself and virtually living under my brother's shadow, I was just as lost if not more so because my brother graduated and I was alone. Fortunately, I met some good people that saw me and started investing in me time and effort into being friends. These people, my soon to be friends were different from the others because they didn't know me, they had no preconceptions or expectations, they liked me for who I was.
Once trust was built up and many common qualities were developed, I started investing time into them and myself; we became a close family. Through the next three years we hung out and spent time inside and outside of school just hanging around, being ourselves. Every lunch we would sit in a specific area of the campus and we would sit, eat, talk, play our guitars, play random card games...we were happy.
One day we all graduated and when the summer was over, many of us parted ways; some went to this college, others went to that college and a couple went to yonder college. Hardly any of us kept in touch all that much. Eventually I lost track of where people were and how they've been doing; which brings us to the present.
Like this single person I spent a lot of time getting to know and opening up to them, these people from high school have become a part of me. They may not all be a part of me that is on the surface all the time, but somewhere inside me, I'm still sitting on the grass eating lunch with them...Somewhere inside, I'm still walking along the beach to a lifeguard tower talking for hours.
If any of you are reading this, whether from high school or college, I would not be who I am if it were not for YOU. Thank you for investing in me.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Manhood
Today I have made an enormous step into "manhood"...I bought my first car!
[hurray goes the masses]
I bought a 1997 Honda Prelude that has been well taken care of and has a very low mileage for its age. I'm so stoked! Yipee for me!
That's it for now, until next time!
[hurray goes the masses]
I bought a 1997 Honda Prelude that has been well taken care of and has a very low mileage for its age. I'm so stoked! Yipee for me!
That's it for now, until next time!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Been a while...
So it's been a while since I've blogged, but I think that's okay considering just about no body reads this probably. Anyway, a lot has happened recently and all of it is really leading me towards moving out of the place I'm at and into a new place with people I had forgotten were there and are now here.
I'm not quite sure if that makes sense, but yeah, it does to me...There are just layers upon layers of issues and stubbornness; I don't belong here, I never did and that's not really ready to be blogged, so just forget I said that... :)
Anyway, I also did something else that I haven't done in a very long time...I wrote!
I spent some time yesterday just sitting and melding with my guitar and a cool rif entered my head and soon after a cool story came about! At least I think it's pretty rad, and I've found that I have...well, "unique" taste compared to most of my friends.
I don't have a title for it yet, but here it is...take it for what you want.
I can feel you there
Waiting for me to break out
Waiting to take my life.
You show me many things
You teach me what I need.
Lead me on blindly
And throw me in.
It's do or die,
It's sink or swim
How can I follow
I've stopped breathing
I can feel your touch
Stretching across the sky
Stirring within my heart
Breaking chains within
Breaking chains...
You show me many things
You teach me what I need.
Lead me on blindly
And throw me in.
It's do or die,
It's sink or swim
You call I follow
It's time, let me begin.
I'm not quite sure if that makes sense, but yeah, it does to me...There are just layers upon layers of issues and stubbornness; I don't belong here, I never did and that's not really ready to be blogged, so just forget I said that... :)
Anyway, I also did something else that I haven't done in a very long time...I wrote!
I spent some time yesterday just sitting and melding with my guitar and a cool rif entered my head and soon after a cool story came about! At least I think it's pretty rad, and I've found that I have...well, "unique" taste compared to most of my friends.
I don't have a title for it yet, but here it is...take it for what you want.
I can feel you there
Waiting for me to break out
Waiting to take my life.
You show me many things
You teach me what I need.
Lead me on blindly
And throw me in.
It's do or die,
It's sink or swim
How can I follow
I've stopped breathing
I can feel your touch
Stretching across the sky
Stirring within my heart
Breaking chains within
Breaking chains...
You show me many things
You teach me what I need.
Lead me on blindly
And throw me in.
It's do or die,
It's sink or swim
You call I follow
It's time, let me begin.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Amazement
Do you ever feel like the last few years or so of your life has been a bit of a waste? I mean, not a total waste, but more like a necessary waste? Like you had to take the step you took, but it just seems like you could have done other things and still some how learned what you learned...
I guess I'm in one of those ruts now, but not totally...Over the last couple of weeks or so, I've been working on my Demo Reel and resume so I have them prepared for my job search, and well...I'm almost done and I think, "Wow! I could have done all this a long time ago and not be here now." If I had been serious about my future career, I would have kept way better track of the projects that I worked on and would probably not be doing what I'm doing now.
I could have gone anywhere, but I made the decisions I made. I do not regret the decisions I've made; I've just been wondering where I could be, what I could be doing, who I would be around/with.
Heh, and this whole time I've been wondering, I've been re-cutting a film me and a couple friends did my sophomore or junior year of college and putting it all together in my demo reel and designing the case cover and designing the menu...I looked at it all today, and for the first time in my life...I'm truly amazed and proud of what I have done, of the work I've completed on this project. I've never really felt this good about any of my projects...and now I'm authoring a menu system that rivals some professional DVD's! (As long as all the necessary parts come through.)
I saw today why I made most of the choices I did; I see why I stayed behind this year; I understand that this whole time I've been selling myself short; I've learned a lot over the last five years, and though I'm nervous about going out, I'm confident in my skills. I know I'm not the best, but I'm good.
I'm a good person, a moral person who loves God, has taken the responsibility to think and process reasonably and independently, loves and appreciates my family and friends. Goodness, if it weren't for my family and friends...I wouldn't be here now.
I've changed; I'm sure of it. And these changes, though hard and painful at times, have been for the better and have been so worth it. I can't imagine that the countless other paths that I could have taken would have been so amazing as this has been.
Moral of the story: NEVER regret the decisions you make! Be sorry for the bad one's, but know that they only help mold you into a better person down the road.
I guess I'm in one of those ruts now, but not totally...Over the last couple of weeks or so, I've been working on my Demo Reel and resume so I have them prepared for my job search, and well...I'm almost done and I think, "Wow! I could have done all this a long time ago and not be here now." If I had been serious about my future career, I would have kept way better track of the projects that I worked on and would probably not be doing what I'm doing now.
I could have gone anywhere, but I made the decisions I made. I do not regret the decisions I've made; I've just been wondering where I could be, what I could be doing, who I would be around/with.
Heh, and this whole time I've been wondering, I've been re-cutting a film me and a couple friends did my sophomore or junior year of college and putting it all together in my demo reel and designing the case cover and designing the menu...I looked at it all today, and for the first time in my life...I'm truly amazed and proud of what I have done, of the work I've completed on this project. I've never really felt this good about any of my projects...and now I'm authoring a menu system that rivals some professional DVD's! (As long as all the necessary parts come through.)
I saw today why I made most of the choices I did; I see why I stayed behind this year; I understand that this whole time I've been selling myself short; I've learned a lot over the last five years, and though I'm nervous about going out, I'm confident in my skills. I know I'm not the best, but I'm good.
I'm a good person, a moral person who loves God, has taken the responsibility to think and process reasonably and independently, loves and appreciates my family and friends. Goodness, if it weren't for my family and friends...I wouldn't be here now.
I've changed; I'm sure of it. And these changes, though hard and painful at times, have been for the better and have been so worth it. I can't imagine that the countless other paths that I could have taken would have been so amazing as this has been.
Moral of the story: NEVER regret the decisions you make! Be sorry for the bad one's, but know that they only help mold you into a better person down the road.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Not sure...
I'm kinda in a weird (at least for me it's weird) situation...I feel like I really want or even need to blog, but I don't know what to write about. ... I'm just, well...unsure about stuff right now. I remember back when I would blog like every other day because I was either thinking up a bunch of really cool stuff or had relationship issues with my friends... ...After all that drama and pain and God knows what scars were left on both sides, I still feel drawn to this particular person. Not nearly in the same way as I used to be, but when I see her online, I want to talk to her; to see how she's doing.
I know this isn't a bad thing, but knowing myself (and I like to think that I do a little), if I start being "overly" friendly I'm going to start to have feelings for her again.
Since the whole drama stuff, I've really tried to keep my distance because I know for me, that helps me move on, or get over it. And I have...but not completely. I've heard some say that old loves never die and others have said to just give it time. ... Hmmph, love...what a confusing word...What love do I mean? Before I think I was leaning towards "Eros" the passionate love felt between "lovers" (not sexually active, but to coin the romantic meaning of the word), but now I would say it's more of "philia" (friendship love, or "brotherly" love). The funny thing is that there is a hint of Eros still in me. Not meaning that there is a hope that we could get together, but rather a part of me that still deep down inside marinates in the moments we had, almost as if it doesn't want to let go...I don't even know how to get that part of me to let go. Do I even want to?
It seems like it's working as a reminder of what is to come...a sample of that love I've yearned for for so long...
I don't want to be a bad friend, but I don't want to risk going down that road again; it's just pain in the end. So I guess the question is: How do you be a good friend, to be there for the person when they need someone, to help them when they need help, to give when they need without running face first into a wall from the past? There has got to be a way, and I'm sure that I can't do it on my own. God give me strength.
I know this isn't a bad thing, but knowing myself (and I like to think that I do a little), if I start being "overly" friendly I'm going to start to have feelings for her again.
Since the whole drama stuff, I've really tried to keep my distance because I know for me, that helps me move on, or get over it. And I have...but not completely. I've heard some say that old loves never die and others have said to just give it time. ... Hmmph, love...what a confusing word...What love do I mean? Before I think I was leaning towards "Eros" the passionate love felt between "lovers" (not sexually active, but to coin the romantic meaning of the word), but now I would say it's more of "philia" (friendship love, or "brotherly" love). The funny thing is that there is a hint of Eros still in me. Not meaning that there is a hope that we could get together, but rather a part of me that still deep down inside marinates in the moments we had, almost as if it doesn't want to let go...I don't even know how to get that part of me to let go. Do I even want to?
It seems like it's working as a reminder of what is to come...a sample of that love I've yearned for for so long...
I don't want to be a bad friend, but I don't want to risk going down that road again; it's just pain in the end. So I guess the question is: How do you be a good friend, to be there for the person when they need someone, to help them when they need help, to give when they need without running face first into a wall from the past? There has got to be a way, and I'm sure that I can't do it on my own. God give me strength.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The Day from Hell...
Okay, I hate Valentine's Day. It's one of those things/days that I wish I could just dis-invent. All day you get these annoyingly perky, single, Christian women wishing everyone a "Happy Singles Appreciation Day" or "Happy Singles Awareness Day"...Well guess what, I KNOW I'M SINGLE! Thanks for the reminder!
What's so special about Feb. 14th that we have to single out the single people or the couples? It's just another day of the year.
...
Okay, I stand corrected, there is an actual history behind the day and guess what: it has NOTHING to do with the "awareness" or "appreciation" of one being single.
History:
Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.
The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.
Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.
The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.
So, we can see that valentine's Day has been quite slaughtered by our very consumer driven mind set and drive to be politically correct...Heaven forbid we honor some people and not others!
Okay, now I know some of you who read my blog are thinking, "What's your problem? Why so bitter?" or something similar...And to be perfectly honest, I've just been burned to many times on Valentine's Day to really care, but I'm so stubborn that it annoys me when people are bright and bubbly about the day, and even more so if they're pushing the whole "day of singleness."
Valentine's Day is a day for couples, not single people. It's a day to celebrate the right to love and to marry the one you love, not to celebrate one's singleness or to take focus off of the purpose behind the holiday (Sound familiar? The meaning and purpose of Christmas has been slaughtered by our consumer life style too.).
Okay, well that's enough out of me. I have work to do now, enjoy the rest of whatever you call this day.
What's so special about Feb. 14th that we have to single out the single people or the couples? It's just another day of the year.
...
Okay, I stand corrected, there is an actual history behind the day and guess what: it has NOTHING to do with the "awareness" or "appreciation" of one being single.
History:
Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.
The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.
Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.
The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.
So, we can see that valentine's Day has been quite slaughtered by our very consumer driven mind set and drive to be politically correct...Heaven forbid we honor some people and not others!
Okay, now I know some of you who read my blog are thinking, "What's your problem? Why so bitter?" or something similar...And to be perfectly honest, I've just been burned to many times on Valentine's Day to really care, but I'm so stubborn that it annoys me when people are bright and bubbly about the day, and even more so if they're pushing the whole "day of singleness."
Valentine's Day is a day for couples, not single people. It's a day to celebrate the right to love and to marry the one you love, not to celebrate one's singleness or to take focus off of the purpose behind the holiday (Sound familiar? The meaning and purpose of Christmas has been slaughtered by our consumer life style too.).
Okay, well that's enough out of me. I have work to do now, enjoy the rest of whatever you call this day.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Confusing Thoughts...
Wow, lately I've been having some really interesting and very confusing thoughts...Hence the title of this blog!
About a month, there was this weird and random power out and my Windows computer was on at the time so it shut off unexpectedly. Well, it's not the first time that has happened so I thought nothing of it until a few weeks ago when I wanted to play some video games. I went to turn my compy on and it booted to BIOS POST with no problem, but then came back with a boot disk error...
"Hmmm..." I thought, "I've had it not read my primary slave before, but it's never had a problem reading my primary master." So, I restarted the compy and entered BIOS setup to see if it was reading my HDD's...Lo and behold it wasn't! "What!" I said very loudly..."This can't be happening!"
I was in denial; I restarted my compy and went through BIOS at least 5 more times to see of the drives were read and nothing! The power out fried both my HDD's! That's 120 GB of documents, music, videos, games, editing applications, graphic design applications and so much more...GONE!
So I've been thinking about finances lately and today I realized that my compy is just sitting there collecting dust. I haven't used it in close to over a month and I spend most of my time on my Power Book..."Why not put a new HDD in the compy and then sell it? And while I'm at it, why not throw in all my games and my PDA?" Okay, those of you who know me know that this is not normal thinking from me...Usually I'm a very strong Windows supporter, I like Windows for gaming...and now I'm talking of selling my gaming compy and all my games!
But think about it...my home built compy + 21 computer games + a Dell Axim X50 = MAJOR $$$! And I could definitely use the money right now.
I guess I'm blogging all of this mainly to justify or to process my actually doing this so I can rest easily (or at least try to). And besides, if I miss gaming so much, I can always save up some money and build a newer and better computer...just a thought.
Thanks for baring with me while I rant!
About a month, there was this weird and random power out and my Windows computer was on at the time so it shut off unexpectedly. Well, it's not the first time that has happened so I thought nothing of it until a few weeks ago when I wanted to play some video games. I went to turn my compy on and it booted to BIOS POST with no problem, but then came back with a boot disk error...
"Hmmm..." I thought, "I've had it not read my primary slave before, but it's never had a problem reading my primary master." So, I restarted the compy and entered BIOS setup to see if it was reading my HDD's...Lo and behold it wasn't! "What!" I said very loudly..."This can't be happening!"
I was in denial; I restarted my compy and went through BIOS at least 5 more times to see of the drives were read and nothing! The power out fried both my HDD's! That's 120 GB of documents, music, videos, games, editing applications, graphic design applications and so much more...GONE!
So I've been thinking about finances lately and today I realized that my compy is just sitting there collecting dust. I haven't used it in close to over a month and I spend most of my time on my Power Book..."Why not put a new HDD in the compy and then sell it? And while I'm at it, why not throw in all my games and my PDA?" Okay, those of you who know me know that this is not normal thinking from me...Usually I'm a very strong Windows supporter, I like Windows for gaming...and now I'm talking of selling my gaming compy and all my games!
But think about it...my home built compy + 21 computer games + a Dell Axim X50 = MAJOR $$$! And I could definitely use the money right now.
I guess I'm blogging all of this mainly to justify or to process my actually doing this so I can rest easily (or at least try to). And besides, if I miss gaming so much, I can always save up some money and build a newer and better computer...just a thought.
Thanks for baring with me while I rant!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back
You know, lately I've been doing whatever it takes to try to put things back to the way they used to be. I've been trying to put myself in the place I was at almost a year ago...Is that bad? Okay, that's a bit of an unfair question because I'm not trying to get exactly where I was, but in about the same place so I can move on...move on with my life.
I see myself trying to mend friendships and put myself in similar situations...but yet I want to move beyond where I was and see what I should have seen last May. I've got my resume all made up, I'm working on an updated and decent demo reel, and not to mention a graphic design portfolio and web page!
I don't know why, but it just feels awkward...I feel like I'm not being totally me, but I be me, would that put me in the same spot I was in a year ago, or would I have wizened up a bit?
I hate doubt and second guessing...I do it to myself all the time, and I've been working quitting that habit, but no luck so far...
I'm such a coward...I see my peers and friends moving on in life and just living without showing any fear. And here I am cowering in the security net of Vanguard. I know I need to do my own thing, but nothing and I do mean NOTHING has ever scared me so much. As long as I can remember, I've had some form of security with each step; I went to Vanguard because my brother came here and I knew I could get in with his friends until I was comfortable, I was a Comm major because I knew that it was an easy major, I work at Vanguard because I know the people and know that it's security (without benefits mind you). But going out to start a career is such a risk because I don't really have any "professional" experience and I'm really not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I'm a mess.
...
And yet God still has a plan for me, he still wants me to stick around for some purpose. It's comforting to know that you're needed, almost relaxing...to have a purpose, whether I know what it is or not, there is a purpose. I feel a bit at ease thinking/feeling that God can take my mess and have a purpose for it; I have purpose.
Funny little detour...You know...I always thought my purpose would be to get married and have a family and I know that I'm still young and have plenty of life left, but I've been single for close to 6 years now and I have been feeling discouraged that I don't have a girlfriend or even dating someone...but I was in a friend's office today and a couple other colleagues were talking about sexuality, sex and singleness (because we all happened to be single) and one of the most profound things was said about singleness..."Don't celebrate singleness, celebrate life! Being single is just a social state I am in, it is not what defines me." And I thought, 'wow, that's so profound!' Think about it, so many Christians these days are saying, "celebrate your singleness" but what does that mean? Well gee, if you're celebrating it, you're not really open to anything else, so while you're celebrating, what if God brings you the person you're to marry, but you're so caught up in your singleness you miss out? That's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.
So my being single should not get me down, nor should I start ranting and raving about the greatness of being single...Both singleness and couple-ness are blessings from God! After hearing this and thinking about it, I feel quite a bit better about my being single for just about 6 years. Ha hah, but that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to another 6; if I date, I date, if not...oh well.
Okay, that's enough out of me...
I see myself trying to mend friendships and put myself in similar situations...but yet I want to move beyond where I was and see what I should have seen last May. I've got my resume all made up, I'm working on an updated and decent demo reel, and not to mention a graphic design portfolio and web page!
I don't know why, but it just feels awkward...I feel like I'm not being totally me, but I be me, would that put me in the same spot I was in a year ago, or would I have wizened up a bit?
I hate doubt and second guessing...I do it to myself all the time, and I've been working quitting that habit, but no luck so far...
I'm such a coward...I see my peers and friends moving on in life and just living without showing any fear. And here I am cowering in the security net of Vanguard. I know I need to do my own thing, but nothing and I do mean NOTHING has ever scared me so much. As long as I can remember, I've had some form of security with each step; I went to Vanguard because my brother came here and I knew I could get in with his friends until I was comfortable, I was a Comm major because I knew that it was an easy major, I work at Vanguard because I know the people and know that it's security (without benefits mind you). But going out to start a career is such a risk because I don't really have any "professional" experience and I'm really not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I'm a mess.
...
And yet God still has a plan for me, he still wants me to stick around for some purpose. It's comforting to know that you're needed, almost relaxing...to have a purpose, whether I know what it is or not, there is a purpose. I feel a bit at ease thinking/feeling that God can take my mess and have a purpose for it; I have purpose.
Funny little detour...You know...I always thought my purpose would be to get married and have a family and I know that I'm still young and have plenty of life left, but I've been single for close to 6 years now and I have been feeling discouraged that I don't have a girlfriend or even dating someone...but I was in a friend's office today and a couple other colleagues were talking about sexuality, sex and singleness (because we all happened to be single) and one of the most profound things was said about singleness..."Don't celebrate singleness, celebrate life! Being single is just a social state I am in, it is not what defines me." And I thought, 'wow, that's so profound!' Think about it, so many Christians these days are saying, "celebrate your singleness" but what does that mean? Well gee, if you're celebrating it, you're not really open to anything else, so while you're celebrating, what if God brings you the person you're to marry, but you're so caught up in your singleness you miss out? That's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.
So my being single should not get me down, nor should I start ranting and raving about the greatness of being single...Both singleness and couple-ness are blessings from God! After hearing this and thinking about it, I feel quite a bit better about my being single for just about 6 years. Ha hah, but that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to another 6; if I date, I date, if not...oh well.
Okay, that's enough out of me...
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Confusion and Chaos
Kicking and screaming, I've been trying to focus myself, I'm hitting this point where I know what I need to do, but it's still a month away and so my mind is trying to find other things to focus my passion on and the things that it comes up with are troubling to me. My mind is trying to bring back old feelings, it's trying to build feelings with someone who is taken...The only place I've been able to find peace is in my dark living room with my guitar...Everything and everywhere else just resonates everything going on in my mind.
I want to quiet the noise, but I don't know how. I know that I have friends who are there to listen and I would love to talk this out with someone, but I don't know how to get this stuff out. I can't blog it, and I don't know how to talk about it...
I need some kind of mentor/guide person again. I remember back when Rybarczyk and I would meet on a weekly basis and just talk; I miss that, his wisdom and advice were priceless. He always new what to say, like he's been there and knows what it's like.
Anyway, I am going to my dark place to be at peace. Pray for me please.
I want to quiet the noise, but I don't know how. I know that I have friends who are there to listen and I would love to talk this out with someone, but I don't know how to get this stuff out. I can't blog it, and I don't know how to talk about it...
I need some kind of mentor/guide person again. I remember back when Rybarczyk and I would meet on a weekly basis and just talk; I miss that, his wisdom and advice were priceless. He always new what to say, like he's been there and knows what it's like.
Anyway, I am going to my dark place to be at peace. Pray for me please.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
God, Parents and Worth
Love. We have one word in the English language that we use in countless contexts to describe countless sensations. We have one word for what the Greeks had four. I’ve talked about “love” before, but this is a bit different because it’s something that I’ve never felt or thought about before.
This week at church and Life Group we talked about our worth to God, what that means and put it in the context our relationship with our parents. This is really interesting because my relationship with my parents over the years is something that I’ve always either ignored or didn’t think about too much. And then to think if it has influenced how I view God or my relationship with God. I jumped at this to dive into my mind and spirit and see what God wanted me to see, and for once our Life Group questions were more than just surface level thought and challenging.
Okay, what kicked this whole thing off was Todd Proctor talking about worth in God’s eyes. Most, if not all Christians have heard the phrase, “God loves you.” And if you’re anything like me, and apparently Todd, you’ll find that this phrase just kinda’ doesn’t hold the meaning it used to, it’s just a phrase. Well, Todd put “worth” into context, “You are my son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased.” (Luke 2:22) After reading/hearing this, I started thinking about what that means to have God say, “You are my son…I am well pleased.” Wow, and at this, Todd instructed us to picture God saying that of us…and I was like, that’s cool. But that was just the beginning because it opened up what it means to be worth something to God. “For while we were still sinners, Jesus died for our sin.” Sound familiar? If you want to hear the entire sermon, you can download it on Rock Harbor’s website.
Even while and though we are rotten failures, God still made the sacrifice to bridge the gap in the hope that we will take up that cross and be with him! But that’s not all. In this passage from Luke, God is showing himself as a vulnerable “parent” figure, not creator of all existence, but a father. So then tonight in Life Group we were challenged to think about our relationship with our parents. Woh, I’ve never thought about this!
Here are the questions asked:
• How did your parents show you love as a child?
• Did you feel like you had to do anything to earn your parents’ love and approval? If so, what?
• How did this affect the way you approached your parents? How about the way you viewed their love and acceptance?
• How did it affect your actions and your lifestyle?
• Could your relationship with your parents have influenced the way you view God and your relationship with Him? If so, how?
• Do you feel like you need to earn God’s love, or that it’s conditional in any way? If so, what affect has this had upon the way that you approach God? How does this play out in your life?
Holy crap! Okay, at the time when we got these questions in our groups, we were floored. So I really started thinking…way, way back to my younger years…
Okay, so how did my parents show me love? To be really honest, I don’t know or remember really. As a child I took it for granted, “They’re my parents, they have to love me.” With this view, I never really took notice of how they showed me love…except maybe by punishment; my mother has always been a firm believer in “you hurt the ones you love” theology…JUST KIDDING! She has her fun, but she never crosses any lines. Okay, so the more I thought about it, I don’t so much see direct signs of love (lots of time spent with them, hugs or whatever) but rather I saw all the sacrifices they made for all of us. My parents sacrificed a lot for us to have certain things that we didn’t need, but as kids, wanted and “thought” we needed it/them. That’s a big sign of love. And because of my view that they had to love me, I didn’t feel like I had to earn their love.
Although when I hit junior high my perspective changed…I didn’t want their love, I didn’t really want anything to do with them, so I became this punk kid who was mostly nothing more than a pain in their butts. This lasted probably until my junior year of high school or something like that, then I started to grow up and mature and I finally realized how smart and cool my parents were.
I also missed out on the third question because of all this; I never really approached my parents about anything. I thought they were cool and fun and all, but I never really saw them as “friends” or counselors of any kind. But once I started maturing, I saw that they did love me and instead of thinking that they have to love me, I saw that they chose to love me, which really makes it much sweeter.
With all of this changing and developing in my life and my departure for college, I can now look back and see that my parents have had a large influence in my lifestyle and actions. I’ve learned from some of their mistakes so I don’t necessarily get into the same holes and I’ve found that I hold much of the same morals and ethics as they have.
And since they have had such an impact on my lifestyle and actions, it’s a sure bet to say that they have influenced the way I view God and my relationship with him. Though the whole message of the sermon was to illustrate God as Father, I have never really seen him as my father. Even though my dad and I were never really close when I lived there, we are now and I know that my dad isn’t perfect, but the word “father” is an human title…and God is GOD! How could I put a human title on the creator of all existence and time? God is just too big for that. Anyway, back to my train of thought…with how my relationship has developed with my parents, and how much I love them and they love me; God’s love is just infinitely greater. It makes me joyful that he calls me his son and that he loves me so, it’s just hard for me to see him as dad or father because he has blessed me with a great relationship with my parents in the last few years and because I know they aren’t perfect, I don’t want to put an imperfect title on God…he is more than that.
Okay, so I know I’ve jumped around a lot, for that I apologize. My point is…well you know, I don’t really have a point. Take what you will or can out of it. I love my family. I have recently discovered the value of parents and how much I missed out on when I lived at home. I am very stoked about how much I am worth to my parents; that they would sacrifice so much for me; and then God sacrifices his son just so I can cross the bridge and be with him. Wow! Now, this blog is long enough, I shall go to bed now…lates!
This week at church and Life Group we talked about our worth to God, what that means and put it in the context our relationship with our parents. This is really interesting because my relationship with my parents over the years is something that I’ve always either ignored or didn’t think about too much. And then to think if it has influenced how I view God or my relationship with God. I jumped at this to dive into my mind and spirit and see what God wanted me to see, and for once our Life Group questions were more than just surface level thought and challenging.
Okay, what kicked this whole thing off was Todd Proctor talking about worth in God’s eyes. Most, if not all Christians have heard the phrase, “God loves you.” And if you’re anything like me, and apparently Todd, you’ll find that this phrase just kinda’ doesn’t hold the meaning it used to, it’s just a phrase. Well, Todd put “worth” into context, “You are my son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased.” (Luke 2:22) After reading/hearing this, I started thinking about what that means to have God say, “You are my son…I am well pleased.” Wow, and at this, Todd instructed us to picture God saying that of us…and I was like, that’s cool. But that was just the beginning because it opened up what it means to be worth something to God. “For while we were still sinners, Jesus died for our sin.” Sound familiar? If you want to hear the entire sermon, you can download it on Rock Harbor’s website.
Even while and though we are rotten failures, God still made the sacrifice to bridge the gap in the hope that we will take up that cross and be with him! But that’s not all. In this passage from Luke, God is showing himself as a vulnerable “parent” figure, not creator of all existence, but a father. So then tonight in Life Group we were challenged to think about our relationship with our parents. Woh, I’ve never thought about this!
Here are the questions asked:
• How did your parents show you love as a child?
• Did you feel like you had to do anything to earn your parents’ love and approval? If so, what?
• How did this affect the way you approached your parents? How about the way you viewed their love and acceptance?
• How did it affect your actions and your lifestyle?
• Could your relationship with your parents have influenced the way you view God and your relationship with Him? If so, how?
• Do you feel like you need to earn God’s love, or that it’s conditional in any way? If so, what affect has this had upon the way that you approach God? How does this play out in your life?
Holy crap! Okay, at the time when we got these questions in our groups, we were floored. So I really started thinking…way, way back to my younger years…
Okay, so how did my parents show me love? To be really honest, I don’t know or remember really. As a child I took it for granted, “They’re my parents, they have to love me.” With this view, I never really took notice of how they showed me love…except maybe by punishment; my mother has always been a firm believer in “you hurt the ones you love” theology…JUST KIDDING! She has her fun, but she never crosses any lines. Okay, so the more I thought about it, I don’t so much see direct signs of love (lots of time spent with them, hugs or whatever) but rather I saw all the sacrifices they made for all of us. My parents sacrificed a lot for us to have certain things that we didn’t need, but as kids, wanted and “thought” we needed it/them. That’s a big sign of love. And because of my view that they had to love me, I didn’t feel like I had to earn their love.
Although when I hit junior high my perspective changed…I didn’t want their love, I didn’t really want anything to do with them, so I became this punk kid who was mostly nothing more than a pain in their butts. This lasted probably until my junior year of high school or something like that, then I started to grow up and mature and I finally realized how smart and cool my parents were.
I also missed out on the third question because of all this; I never really approached my parents about anything. I thought they were cool and fun and all, but I never really saw them as “friends” or counselors of any kind. But once I started maturing, I saw that they did love me and instead of thinking that they have to love me, I saw that they chose to love me, which really makes it much sweeter.
With all of this changing and developing in my life and my departure for college, I can now look back and see that my parents have had a large influence in my lifestyle and actions. I’ve learned from some of their mistakes so I don’t necessarily get into the same holes and I’ve found that I hold much of the same morals and ethics as they have.
And since they have had such an impact on my lifestyle and actions, it’s a sure bet to say that they have influenced the way I view God and my relationship with him. Though the whole message of the sermon was to illustrate God as Father, I have never really seen him as my father. Even though my dad and I were never really close when I lived there, we are now and I know that my dad isn’t perfect, but the word “father” is an human title…and God is GOD! How could I put a human title on the creator of all existence and time? God is just too big for that. Anyway, back to my train of thought…with how my relationship has developed with my parents, and how much I love them and they love me; God’s love is just infinitely greater. It makes me joyful that he calls me his son and that he loves me so, it’s just hard for me to see him as dad or father because he has blessed me with a great relationship with my parents in the last few years and because I know they aren’t perfect, I don’t want to put an imperfect title on God…he is more than that.
Okay, so I know I’ve jumped around a lot, for that I apologize. My point is…well you know, I don’t really have a point. Take what you will or can out of it. I love my family. I have recently discovered the value of parents and how much I missed out on when I lived at home. I am very stoked about how much I am worth to my parents; that they would sacrifice so much for me; and then God sacrifices his son just so I can cross the bridge and be with him. Wow! Now, this blog is long enough, I shall go to bed now…lates!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Paths, Ways and Road Rash
At what age should a person begin to be responsible for themselves, their actions, their inactions, their choices, their commitments, their finances, their lives? I am overwhelmed as of late at the lack of responsibility in some of those around me. It truly is unbelievable...
And it gets even weirder...the more I try to face and deal with my issues, and the more I get over and conquer some, the more I notice the fantasy land that I was living in...the more I notice a few around me living in little fantasy worlds of their own. I'm at a loss. I have considered them friends since I've known them, but it upsets me that they don't or won't face reality...on any level.
I've found myself, at times, pulling so far away from them that they aren't really "friends" anymore, just so I don't get sucked back into the fantasy realm that I just woke from. Please, learn from me! By not facing your issues, or your fears, or your problems; by hiding, or justifying, you'll only dig yourself into a whole that gets harder and harder to get out. And when you finally do get out, you'll find that you have hurt so many to get out and that you yourself are hurt so deeply that you'll never be the same...
God wanted me to face some realities that I was running from...I was Jonah. In my running, my fantasy world, God provided for me the means to survive but he did not bless me as he would have if I faced my fear of putting myself in the spot light. I now realize this, and to some degree regret some, but definitely not ALL of my decisions between then and now, and my plans are to take this time that God has provided and prepare myself for what may come.
God wants different things for all of us, and if all we do is run, hide, cover up, justify or make excuses, we'll gain nothing from it. If you feel that God has you in some social, economic or spiritual position for a reason, don't let ANYTHING cloud it! By clouding the situation, other people will get a mixed or wrong message, and then it circulates back to you and all of a sudden...Where did your focus go? Not on being who, what or where God wants you to be, but on who, what and where YOU want you to be.
You know, God wanted me to be single for a very long time, but I would have nothing of it in high school. I didn't "play the field," but when I had a girlfriend, I made sure it was serious on some level. I was avoiding what God wanted to show me, what I needed to see and learn. So when I finally woke up and chose to face my issue, I broke a heart because I spent so much time and energy into building something that wouldn't last. After that, I got serious with God and from then until now, he has shown me a great many things about myself and about how I look at women.
But then I get anxious and decide to take the reigns toward the end of my college years. I decided that it was the best time for me to start dating again, and find a girlfriend...heh, I guess I'm not through being single because my walk failed miserably. I chose to take my walk in my own hands and instead of walking the path God wanted me on, I chose to walk a path that I wasn't ready for and ruined a friendship because of it, but I know God would take me down some day. Some day, God will take me down the path of finding a girlfriend...not now though.
There are reasons why God puts us in tough situations, and despite how much we want to hang on to an idea, or feeling, or person, we have to let go and not look back. We have to. Or else life just isn't healthy...and it'll only get worse the longer you hold on. We all have scars from things we've held onto, let's learn from our mistakes and walk the path that God has for us now.
And it gets even weirder...the more I try to face and deal with my issues, and the more I get over and conquer some, the more I notice the fantasy land that I was living in...the more I notice a few around me living in little fantasy worlds of their own. I'm at a loss. I have considered them friends since I've known them, but it upsets me that they don't or won't face reality...on any level.
I've found myself, at times, pulling so far away from them that they aren't really "friends" anymore, just so I don't get sucked back into the fantasy realm that I just woke from. Please, learn from me! By not facing your issues, or your fears, or your problems; by hiding, or justifying, you'll only dig yourself into a whole that gets harder and harder to get out. And when you finally do get out, you'll find that you have hurt so many to get out and that you yourself are hurt so deeply that you'll never be the same...
God wanted me to face some realities that I was running from...I was Jonah. In my running, my fantasy world, God provided for me the means to survive but he did not bless me as he would have if I faced my fear of putting myself in the spot light. I now realize this, and to some degree regret some, but definitely not ALL of my decisions between then and now, and my plans are to take this time that God has provided and prepare myself for what may come.
God wants different things for all of us, and if all we do is run, hide, cover up, justify or make excuses, we'll gain nothing from it. If you feel that God has you in some social, economic or spiritual position for a reason, don't let ANYTHING cloud it! By clouding the situation, other people will get a mixed or wrong message, and then it circulates back to you and all of a sudden...Where did your focus go? Not on being who, what or where God wants you to be, but on who, what and where YOU want you to be.
You know, God wanted me to be single for a very long time, but I would have nothing of it in high school. I didn't "play the field," but when I had a girlfriend, I made sure it was serious on some level. I was avoiding what God wanted to show me, what I needed to see and learn. So when I finally woke up and chose to face my issue, I broke a heart because I spent so much time and energy into building something that wouldn't last. After that, I got serious with God and from then until now, he has shown me a great many things about myself and about how I look at women.
But then I get anxious and decide to take the reigns toward the end of my college years. I decided that it was the best time for me to start dating again, and find a girlfriend...heh, I guess I'm not through being single because my walk failed miserably. I chose to take my walk in my own hands and instead of walking the path God wanted me on, I chose to walk a path that I wasn't ready for and ruined a friendship because of it, but I know God would take me down some day. Some day, God will take me down the path of finding a girlfriend...not now though.
There are reasons why God puts us in tough situations, and despite how much we want to hang on to an idea, or feeling, or person, we have to let go and not look back. We have to. Or else life just isn't healthy...and it'll only get worse the longer you hold on. We all have scars from things we've held onto, let's learn from our mistakes and walk the path that God has for us now.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Identity and Isolation
You know, there's something to be said about isolation, or spending time alone. A good majority of my friends have told me in the last few months that spending as much time as I do alone is bad or unhealthy. And to be perfectly honest, I believed them for the most part. Every time I found myself just sitting there alone, I felt guilty for some reason...I don't know.
This last week at church, the pastor was talking about starting a revolution, not like how Christians have tried modern "revival" things, but rather beginning to interact with the world, where the world is at. His main idea for the night was that before anything like this is possible, we need to know who we are. And not just, "Hi, my name is..." but what our identity is in Christ. His example was Christ's encounter with a man possessed by "Legion" (many, many demons).
If you want to hear the message or see the painting that the pastor verbally painted for us, visit www.rockharbor.org and look for the "latest message" link...or something along those lines. Or you can subscribe to their podcast.
Anyway, the reason this story/passage was used is because it illustrates the power of "identity," the power of isolation and it shows how identity can be gained/lost/manipulated. So this guy had lived outside of the "decapolis" around the area of the cemetery as a "crazed man." He was exiled by his family because of these demons that started taking hold of the guy and he spent many years living in this cemetery naked and alone. Christ comes along and asks the dude, "what is your name?" and instead of the guy (who had pleaded with Jesus to have mercy on him) saying, "Hi, my name is...Joe!" he said his name was Legion, because there were many demons; that was all he knew anymore. Why is this important? Well, the guy lost his identity...he chose to take up the crap the demons brought and identify himself with that. Later in the story after the 2000 some odd pigs drowned in the lake, the guy asked Jesus if he could come with him, but Jesus said, "no, you go home and tell the others what happened here." His identity had been restored and renewed. Cool, huh!
Well, there's a lot more to the message, but I'm a bit too tired to really re-live it for you in text format. So I'll just skip to what happened at Life Group on Tuesday night.
So, we're all there talking about other related scripture to the story of Legion and some guy decides to play all wise and authority on the topic of identity and isolation and then took the group in a direction that I don't believe the lesson or leaders intended...
He would talk about the social norms of that time and of that people and how everything happened for x,y and z; he said the man had no identity so he grasped onto whatever he could and it happened to be these demons in his life.... I'm not so sure. He had an identity, he just chose to look at the bad side and forget the positive. He was also saying the if it weren't for his isolation, he would have gained control over the demons and expel them himself, if there were good people to hang out with him and talk with him, etc. and that's why he cut himself (he was lonely and depressed).... Again, not sure. This guy was not about to talk to anyone seriously, the last people he did kicked him out of society.
Okay, now here is where I stepped in, I am not an authority on "identity" (Lord knows I've had my own identity issues in the past), but I do consider myself quite experienced with isolation and depression. Just so everyone knows, I'm not saying that what this guy had to say about identity is wrong, but it got away from the point that identity holds power. Think about it, when you were a little kid and you did something wrong, your parents would yell for you by your WHOLE name..."ANDREW AARON MUNDSCHAU, get your butt in here!" That's power! And let's not forget that God knows us uniquely and individually, meaning that He has a name that He uses for us. This name is what the pastor wanted us to discover, because knowing our identity in Christ, is power and strength.
Now as for the main topic, this guy with Legion, showed us what can happen if one seeks isolation for the wrong reasons or ends up losing site of the purpose. My friends are right, there can be such a thing as too much isolation; it can lead to depression and rash actions/inactions. However, and this is where I stand, isolation is a part of life. We all, at some point, want to be alone. There is power in isolation and alone time; Jesus knew this, why else would he go out into the wilderness for 40 days? Being alone gives us an opportunity to spend time with God that we can't do when other people are around, it's more intimate because it's just the two of you, anything can happen and anything can be said.
But, if one looks to being alone just to be alone, too much of this can lead to darker roads. I've been down these roads...and being where I am today, I regret it, but I appreciate it. Now I understand the struggle and the power of being alone. I'm aware of the different roads I can take when I am alone, and by choosing to be with God, I believe that I have found my identity in Him.
So, I guess on one level that guy in Life Group was right, and on another I am right....(wow, what a post-modern statement)...
I enjoy the alone time that I have (and it is a lot), but I also appreciate the fellowship that my friends bring...and both are needed to live a healthy and joyful life. Alright, it's late and my brain is fried!
This last week at church, the pastor was talking about starting a revolution, not like how Christians have tried modern "revival" things, but rather beginning to interact with the world, where the world is at. His main idea for the night was that before anything like this is possible, we need to know who we are. And not just, "Hi, my name is..." but what our identity is in Christ. His example was Christ's encounter with a man possessed by "Legion" (many, many demons).
If you want to hear the message or see the painting that the pastor verbally painted for us, visit www.rockharbor.org and look for the "latest message" link...or something along those lines. Or you can subscribe to their podcast.
Anyway, the reason this story/passage was used is because it illustrates the power of "identity," the power of isolation and it shows how identity can be gained/lost/manipulated. So this guy had lived outside of the "decapolis" around the area of the cemetery as a "crazed man." He was exiled by his family because of these demons that started taking hold of the guy and he spent many years living in this cemetery naked and alone. Christ comes along and asks the dude, "what is your name?" and instead of the guy (who had pleaded with Jesus to have mercy on him) saying, "Hi, my name is...Joe!" he said his name was Legion, because there were many demons; that was all he knew anymore. Why is this important? Well, the guy lost his identity...he chose to take up the crap the demons brought and identify himself with that. Later in the story after the 2000 some odd pigs drowned in the lake, the guy asked Jesus if he could come with him, but Jesus said, "no, you go home and tell the others what happened here." His identity had been restored and renewed. Cool, huh!
Well, there's a lot more to the message, but I'm a bit too tired to really re-live it for you in text format. So I'll just skip to what happened at Life Group on Tuesday night.
So, we're all there talking about other related scripture to the story of Legion and some guy decides to play all wise and authority on the topic of identity and isolation and then took the group in a direction that I don't believe the lesson or leaders intended...
He would talk about the social norms of that time and of that people and how everything happened for x,y and z; he said the man had no identity so he grasped onto whatever he could and it happened to be these demons in his life.... I'm not so sure. He had an identity, he just chose to look at the bad side and forget the positive. He was also saying the if it weren't for his isolation, he would have gained control over the demons and expel them himself, if there were good people to hang out with him and talk with him, etc. and that's why he cut himself (he was lonely and depressed).... Again, not sure. This guy was not about to talk to anyone seriously, the last people he did kicked him out of society.
Okay, now here is where I stepped in, I am not an authority on "identity" (Lord knows I've had my own identity issues in the past), but I do consider myself quite experienced with isolation and depression. Just so everyone knows, I'm not saying that what this guy had to say about identity is wrong, but it got away from the point that identity holds power. Think about it, when you were a little kid and you did something wrong, your parents would yell for you by your WHOLE name..."ANDREW AARON MUNDSCHAU, get your butt in here!" That's power! And let's not forget that God knows us uniquely and individually, meaning that He has a name that He uses for us. This name is what the pastor wanted us to discover, because knowing our identity in Christ, is power and strength.
Now as for the main topic, this guy with Legion, showed us what can happen if one seeks isolation for the wrong reasons or ends up losing site of the purpose. My friends are right, there can be such a thing as too much isolation; it can lead to depression and rash actions/inactions. However, and this is where I stand, isolation is a part of life. We all, at some point, want to be alone. There is power in isolation and alone time; Jesus knew this, why else would he go out into the wilderness for 40 days? Being alone gives us an opportunity to spend time with God that we can't do when other people are around, it's more intimate because it's just the two of you, anything can happen and anything can be said.
But, if one looks to being alone just to be alone, too much of this can lead to darker roads. I've been down these roads...and being where I am today, I regret it, but I appreciate it. Now I understand the struggle and the power of being alone. I'm aware of the different roads I can take when I am alone, and by choosing to be with God, I believe that I have found my identity in Him.
So, I guess on one level that guy in Life Group was right, and on another I am right....(wow, what a post-modern statement)...
I enjoy the alone time that I have (and it is a lot), but I also appreciate the fellowship that my friends bring...and both are needed to live a healthy and joyful life. Alright, it's late and my brain is fried!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Growing up
My mother always told me never to rush to grow up...well, did I listen to her, nope. I've had to go through a lot in the last couple of months that has forced me to "grow up" and move to a place where I'm not always having fun.
Part of it contributed by me finishing college, but the rest because I chose to be child-like the last couple of years and not work on transitioning out of what was "comfortable." Essentially, I rushed to grow up, and when I saw what was required, thought that I could spend some time being a kid and then hit a wall when I graduated and have recently worked my way over that wall.
Generally, everything has worked out, but it hasn't always been fun. "Growing up" and facing reality and maturing to this point needs to be a life long transition...well from 0-20 anyway. These years aren't meant to be rushed through so you can "be an adult" (whatever that means), but rather, they're meant so you can live life as it comes and so you can be fully prepared for the years to come when you HAVE to be an adult.
If it's not too late for you, take your time in high school and college. Live a little...don't be irresponsible, but don't rush to get out and on your own, it just slaps you in your face if you're not prepared. If you're too late like me, well, there's hope. There always is, you just have to go out there and find it...find that light at the end of the tunnel.
That's it tonight.
Part of it contributed by me finishing college, but the rest because I chose to be child-like the last couple of years and not work on transitioning out of what was "comfortable." Essentially, I rushed to grow up, and when I saw what was required, thought that I could spend some time being a kid and then hit a wall when I graduated and have recently worked my way over that wall.
Generally, everything has worked out, but it hasn't always been fun. "Growing up" and facing reality and maturing to this point needs to be a life long transition...well from 0-20 anyway. These years aren't meant to be rushed through so you can "be an adult" (whatever that means), but rather, they're meant so you can live life as it comes and so you can be fully prepared for the years to come when you HAVE to be an adult.
If it's not too late for you, take your time in high school and college. Live a little...don't be irresponsible, but don't rush to get out and on your own, it just slaps you in your face if you're not prepared. If you're too late like me, well, there's hope. There always is, you just have to go out there and find it...find that light at the end of the tunnel.
That's it tonight.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Thoughts for the day...
Okay, so I've noticed that I'm not very much what anyone would say is a "normal person." In fact, I would be willing to go out on a stretch and say that I'm a bit "aby normal" (abnormal for those of you who haven't seen "Young Frankenstein").
What brought this on? I'm not sure, but I think it has to do with how much I've changed myself or rather, how far God has stretched me recently. I've been thinking (which can be a dangerous thing at times), that in the last four years, I have generally drawn close to the dark, morbid and sometimes depressing aspects of life...or maybe not aspects, but themes. And I've generally felt content about it and felt like that's where I belong. And tonight I was thinking about it and realized that my friends, my close friends, are nothing like that. Many of them are "bright and bubbly" people who dwell closer to the happy and cheery themes of life. Does that strike anyone else as odd?
Some have told me that I have friends like that because it's a "cry for help," I don't want "to be stuck in this dark trend," or even to help balance me out so I feel "normal." *thinks for a moment* I'm sorry but that just sounds like a load of crap to me! How dare anyone try to justify, for me, who my friends are...or who I am! I am who I am for a reason, and God has a purpose for my life! My friends don't balance me out, at the least they help UNbalance me (which is a good thing; that's one way someone matures).
Okay, so anyway. I honestly don't know why I have the friends I do...do I need a reason? To my knowledge, they like me for who I am, and I like them for who they are.
Recently, I have gone outside of my norm, to be who they want me to be...I wanted to try and understand what they wanted from me, but I lost sense of who I am; of what I am. I lost a lot of what made me feel at ease, I stepped out of the darkness and tried living in that light and I choked.
I can't say that it was wrong or bad for me to walk the steps I chose, I learned a lot about them and myself during that time. For instance, I like The Killers and Yellowcard. I also learned that I am not a big fan of the "artsy," "poppy," singer/songwriter music or that whole style (clothing). I could never "fit in" or live like that. I forgot how much I appreciated those dark and sometimes dreary songs by rock, folk and metal bands that just express some of the feelings inside of me so well that when I hear them, I zone out for a time and just "experience" the song. Wow.
I am, who I am; only one can judge me. What does it matter if I'm like my friends, or my friends are like me? It doesn't. We don't need to be like each other to enjoy our company; I don't need to fit to their liking and they don't need to fit to mine. No matter what, we are there for each other; without bias, without blame, without prejudice; no matter the history, no matter the present, no matter the time. That's what makes us such close friends.
And I am glad.
What brought this on? I'm not sure, but I think it has to do with how much I've changed myself or rather, how far God has stretched me recently. I've been thinking (which can be a dangerous thing at times), that in the last four years, I have generally drawn close to the dark, morbid and sometimes depressing aspects of life...or maybe not aspects, but themes. And I've generally felt content about it and felt like that's where I belong. And tonight I was thinking about it and realized that my friends, my close friends, are nothing like that. Many of them are "bright and bubbly" people who dwell closer to the happy and cheery themes of life. Does that strike anyone else as odd?
Some have told me that I have friends like that because it's a "cry for help," I don't want "to be stuck in this dark trend," or even to help balance me out so I feel "normal." *thinks for a moment* I'm sorry but that just sounds like a load of crap to me! How dare anyone try to justify, for me, who my friends are...or who I am! I am who I am for a reason, and God has a purpose for my life! My friends don't balance me out, at the least they help UNbalance me (which is a good thing; that's one way someone matures).
Okay, so anyway. I honestly don't know why I have the friends I do...do I need a reason? To my knowledge, they like me for who I am, and I like them for who they are.
Recently, I have gone outside of my norm, to be who they want me to be...I wanted to try and understand what they wanted from me, but I lost sense of who I am; of what I am. I lost a lot of what made me feel at ease, I stepped out of the darkness and tried living in that light and I choked.
I can't say that it was wrong or bad for me to walk the steps I chose, I learned a lot about them and myself during that time. For instance, I like The Killers and Yellowcard. I also learned that I am not a big fan of the "artsy," "poppy," singer/songwriter music or that whole style (clothing). I could never "fit in" or live like that. I forgot how much I appreciated those dark and sometimes dreary songs by rock, folk and metal bands that just express some of the feelings inside of me so well that when I hear them, I zone out for a time and just "experience" the song. Wow.
I am, who I am; only one can judge me. What does it matter if I'm like my friends, or my friends are like me? It doesn't. We don't need to be like each other to enjoy our company; I don't need to fit to their liking and they don't need to fit to mine. No matter what, we are there for each other; without bias, without blame, without prejudice; no matter the history, no matter the present, no matter the time. That's what makes us such close friends.
And I am glad.
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