Losing Shadows

Shadows from the past
Ghosts from a life;
Times and faces floating in a sea of mist;
Bodies and laughs.

Lusting and yearning.
Forgotten.

To be there again
To hear and see again;
Vivid recollection fading slowly from view;
Blind and deaf.

Wishing and dreaming.
Remembered.

Were they ever…;
Was it ever…;
An impression is left; real or fake,
Bold and deep.

Craving and hallucinating.
Lost.

So...Yeah...

So...I know it's been a while since the last entry. No excuses, just a mixture of lazy and lack of motivation...(are those the same?)

Anyway, I'm here now and am a bit lost...

I'm at a bit of a crossroads...or at least I'm coming up to one. Not quite sure yet. I feel like a choice is looming in the shadows waiting for something to happen before it jumps out for the surprise. It could be waiting for me to do something or to reach a certain point of life/maturity or whatever, but it's there. Everything tells me that I need to just focus on what's going on now and not put too much into this feeling yet, but my very nature has always been to worry about the future. That's my weakness; the future, the unknown...

I keep wanting to ask those around me how to deal with this fear, but at the moment they would just look at me in a "WTF" look and say to forget it...I can't stand that because I just can't let it go. For a day or so I'd be fine, but then the feeling comes as hard as some obsession.

I don't know. If there are two roads to go, is one necessarily right and the other wrong? Would they both lead to the same place? Or blah, blah, blah...the questions never stop. Well, I guess if I busy myself I'll get there soon enough; so whether I spend more time at work or doing freelance projects or hanging out with more/different friends, I'll get to the crossroad and make my choice then. Until then, I guess I should just let life influence me with what I surround myself with and let it be.

Let's see how long this lasts... :)

As of late...

I've been so busy with work and trying to get caught up with bills that I have just totally not had any time to hang out with my friends or have fun...All work and no play makes the Baron a not so fun kinda guy.

And to top it all off, I'm running out of steam! AAAAARRRG! Oh well, I guess I gotta' "keep on truckin" or "burn the midnight oil" or "just keep movin' forward" (according to the Robinsons [new Disney/Pixar release]) or any NUMBER of lame sayings...

I need rest, but mostly, I need fun relaxation.

As of late...

I've been so busy with work and trying to get caught up with bills that I have just totally not had any time to hang out with my friends or have fun...All work and no play makes the Baron a not so fun kinda guy.

And to top it all off, I'm running out of steam! AAAAARRRG! Oh well, I guess I gotta' "keep on truckin" or "burn the midnight oil" or "just keep movin' forward" (according to the Robinsons [new Disney/Pixar release]) or any NUMBER of lame sayings...

I need rest, but mostly, I need fun relaxation.

"The past returns!..."

You know, it's funny how God will keep you from something as natural as sleep in order to work through the deep issues that lie in wait.

Last night I just could not, for the life of me, sleep. My head was racing and I was just begging God to let me get some sleep, cuz today, I'm working at the church close to all day (with the exception of this break to do some blogging). But no. I was wide awake, so I got up and poured a glass of water and I ran into my roommate, who immediately saw that something wasn't quite right. At that point, I was just like, "whatever, I might as well just talk about it."

For the next hour and a half or so, I started spilling my brain and heart and, together, we made some encouraging observations. And once these revelations were conceived, I was ready for bed; and slept for two hours before having to wake up and go to the church.

I think my point for contemplation in this blog is that if God wants you to work through something, or just grow past some events in your past, He will not let you rest until you do. Just like Jonah. Pour Jonah couldn't run or rest when he didn't move in the direction that God wanted him to go. I pray that soon I will fully understand the meaning of my burdens from my past, so that I may move on to a healthier present and a brighter future.

Life's Updates V2.0.1

Wow! I'm such a geek! :)

Anyway, over the last few days (since Friday) I've been attempting to deal with some demons that have, at long last, surfaced. It's been a pretty rough ride, and unfortunately, I don't think it's over. BUT! I've made it this far and have come to observe some interesting "observations" about me from my past...

Since probably my sophomore or junior year of college, I've been forcing myself to focus on those around me and what I can do to make their lives better/easier/more joyful...anything! And all the while forcing any minuscule thought or desire on how to better my life and joyfulness into the abyss. "How selfless and nice of me..." some might think...and actually, that was pretty much my motive. I wanted to be the best friend/person I could so those around me would reciprocate.

I won't argue that it's a bad thing to do this because flat out, I don't know. But I do know that it is unhealthy to not focus on your personal problems and issues for 3-4 years. I consciously buried a great many of my issues and bottled them up; we all know what happens then...KA-BOOM!!

My bomb went off at 2-3 am on Friday night. And that's when it all came out:

"I'm a failure." "I'm a wash out." "I can't make/keep good friends." "Everything about me is a lie."

Stuff like that was just spewing out of my mouth to my roommate Paul. And since then I've truly realized that a lot of this is just a bunch of crap that resulted from me not facing my issues. Over the last 4 years I've gone out of my way to change who I am in order to impress certain people; made friends with, not the WRONG people, just not the RIGHT ones; turned my back on the things that help me through tough times (i.e. sitting in a dark, candle lit room with me and my guitar; cleaning my freakin' room!).

So far today, I've scoured my kitchen, living room and hallway, and feel better now than I have in months! I have an amazing roommate who makes time for those around him even when he's got his own drama to deal with. I've made an amazing friend who I can just talk on the phone for HOURS and feel relaxed! Those of you who know me, know that I don't talk for more than like 10 or 15 minutes on the phone...Heck, I don't talk very much at all!

I don't think I'm a failure, because to fail is to be alone. And I'm not.

Work Update...

Okay, so I've been working for this company that specializes in audio/video/lighting production services for the last 9 months or so...Those of you whom I hang out already know this, but for those who don't, I can't stand working there. It's crazy because I love the gear, I don't mind the people most of the time, but I love the gear! However, for the amount and type of work I do, I don't get paid very much and really...seriously...my boss is just a cold, stone-hearted, greedy man. He has no care or concern for those he walks over to get what he wants.

I'm sure some of you have heard me say that the man is killing me...well, he has been. He's a chimney; smoking 4 packs a day in a small little office causing me to smoke 6 and a half to 7 packs (I don't get a filter) a day. Not to mention the added stress from him voicing his disappointment in me because I didn't know what 8 khz sounds like. In short, not a very healthy place to be.

BUT THERE IS LIGHT ON THE HORIZON!!!

I got a call today from a company with an offer of employment! They'll pay me more, treat me like a professional, provide a nice benefits package AND retirement!!! All to do the same thing that I'm doing now, just at a really cool location. It sounds kinda weird that I'm excited about these things, but it's like getting the best of both worlds: I love what I do AND I make decent money!!! It's been my experience that you get one or the other.

Anyway, so tomorrow I get to give my notice and I couldn't be happier!!!