"The past returns!..."

You know, it's funny how God will keep you from something as natural as sleep in order to work through the deep issues that lie in wait.

Last night I just could not, for the life of me, sleep. My head was racing and I was just begging God to let me get some sleep, cuz today, I'm working at the church close to all day (with the exception of this break to do some blogging). But no. I was wide awake, so I got up and poured a glass of water and I ran into my roommate, who immediately saw that something wasn't quite right. At that point, I was just like, "whatever, I might as well just talk about it."

For the next hour and a half or so, I started spilling my brain and heart and, together, we made some encouraging observations. And once these revelations were conceived, I was ready for bed; and slept for two hours before having to wake up and go to the church.

I think my point for contemplation in this blog is that if God wants you to work through something, or just grow past some events in your past, He will not let you rest until you do. Just like Jonah. Pour Jonah couldn't run or rest when he didn't move in the direction that God wanted him to go. I pray that soon I will fully understand the meaning of my burdens from my past, so that I may move on to a healthier present and a brighter future.

Life's Updates V2.0.1

Wow! I'm such a geek! :)

Anyway, over the last few days (since Friday) I've been attempting to deal with some demons that have, at long last, surfaced. It's been a pretty rough ride, and unfortunately, I don't think it's over. BUT! I've made it this far and have come to observe some interesting "observations" about me from my past...

Since probably my sophomore or junior year of college, I've been forcing myself to focus on those around me and what I can do to make their lives better/easier/more joyful...anything! And all the while forcing any minuscule thought or desire on how to better my life and joyfulness into the abyss. "How selfless and nice of me..." some might think...and actually, that was pretty much my motive. I wanted to be the best friend/person I could so those around me would reciprocate.

I won't argue that it's a bad thing to do this because flat out, I don't know. But I do know that it is unhealthy to not focus on your personal problems and issues for 3-4 years. I consciously buried a great many of my issues and bottled them up; we all know what happens then...KA-BOOM!!

My bomb went off at 2-3 am on Friday night. And that's when it all came out:

"I'm a failure." "I'm a wash out." "I can't make/keep good friends." "Everything about me is a lie."

Stuff like that was just spewing out of my mouth to my roommate Paul. And since then I've truly realized that a lot of this is just a bunch of crap that resulted from me not facing my issues. Over the last 4 years I've gone out of my way to change who I am in order to impress certain people; made friends with, not the WRONG people, just not the RIGHT ones; turned my back on the things that help me through tough times (i.e. sitting in a dark, candle lit room with me and my guitar; cleaning my freakin' room!).

So far today, I've scoured my kitchen, living room and hallway, and feel better now than I have in months! I have an amazing roommate who makes time for those around him even when he's got his own drama to deal with. I've made an amazing friend who I can just talk on the phone for HOURS and feel relaxed! Those of you who know me, know that I don't talk for more than like 10 or 15 minutes on the phone...Heck, I don't talk very much at all!

I don't think I'm a failure, because to fail is to be alone. And I'm not.