Do you ever feel like the last few years or so of your life has been a bit of a waste? I mean, not a total waste, but more like a necessary waste? Like you had to take the step you took, but it just seems like you could have done other things and still some how learned what you learned...
I guess I'm in one of those ruts now, but not totally...Over the last couple of weeks or so, I've been working on my Demo Reel and resume so I have them prepared for my job search, and well...I'm almost done and I think, "Wow! I could have done all this a long time ago and not be here now." If I had been serious about my future career, I would have kept way better track of the projects that I worked on and would probably not be doing what I'm doing now.
I could have gone anywhere, but I made the decisions I made. I do not regret the decisions I've made; I've just been wondering where I could be, what I could be doing, who I would be around/with.
Heh, and this whole time I've been wondering, I've been re-cutting a film me and a couple friends did my sophomore or junior year of college and putting it all together in my demo reel and designing the case cover and designing the menu...I looked at it all today, and for the first time in my life...I'm truly amazed and proud of what I have done, of the work I've completed on this project. I've never really felt this good about any of my projects...and now I'm authoring a menu system that rivals some professional DVD's! (As long as all the necessary parts come through.)
I saw today why I made most of the choices I did; I see why I stayed behind this year; I understand that this whole time I've been selling myself short; I've learned a lot over the last five years, and though I'm nervous about going out, I'm confident in my skills. I know I'm not the best, but I'm good.
I'm a good person, a moral person who loves God, has taken the responsibility to think and process reasonably and independently, loves and appreciates my family and friends. Goodness, if it weren't for my family and friends...I wouldn't be here now.
I've changed; I'm sure of it. And these changes, though hard and painful at times, have been for the better and have been so worth it. I can't imagine that the countless other paths that I could have taken would have been so amazing as this has been.
Moral of the story: NEVER regret the decisions you make! Be sorry for the bad one's, but know that they only help mold you into a better person down the road.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
Not sure...
I'm kinda in a weird (at least for me it's weird) situation...I feel like I really want or even need to blog, but I don't know what to write about. ... I'm just, well...unsure about stuff right now. I remember back when I would blog like every other day because I was either thinking up a bunch of really cool stuff or had relationship issues with my friends... ...After all that drama and pain and God knows what scars were left on both sides, I still feel drawn to this particular person. Not nearly in the same way as I used to be, but when I see her online, I want to talk to her; to see how she's doing.
I know this isn't a bad thing, but knowing myself (and I like to think that I do a little), if I start being "overly" friendly I'm going to start to have feelings for her again.
Since the whole drama stuff, I've really tried to keep my distance because I know for me, that helps me move on, or get over it. And I have...but not completely. I've heard some say that old loves never die and others have said to just give it time. ... Hmmph, love...what a confusing word...What love do I mean? Before I think I was leaning towards "Eros" the passionate love felt between "lovers" (not sexually active, but to coin the romantic meaning of the word), but now I would say it's more of "philia" (friendship love, or "brotherly" love). The funny thing is that there is a hint of Eros still in me. Not meaning that there is a hope that we could get together, but rather a part of me that still deep down inside marinates in the moments we had, almost as if it doesn't want to let go...I don't even know how to get that part of me to let go. Do I even want to?
It seems like it's working as a reminder of what is to come...a sample of that love I've yearned for for so long...
I don't want to be a bad friend, but I don't want to risk going down that road again; it's just pain in the end. So I guess the question is: How do you be a good friend, to be there for the person when they need someone, to help them when they need help, to give when they need without running face first into a wall from the past? There has got to be a way, and I'm sure that I can't do it on my own. God give me strength.
I know this isn't a bad thing, but knowing myself (and I like to think that I do a little), if I start being "overly" friendly I'm going to start to have feelings for her again.
Since the whole drama stuff, I've really tried to keep my distance because I know for me, that helps me move on, or get over it. And I have...but not completely. I've heard some say that old loves never die and others have said to just give it time. ... Hmmph, love...what a confusing word...What love do I mean? Before I think I was leaning towards "Eros" the passionate love felt between "lovers" (not sexually active, but to coin the romantic meaning of the word), but now I would say it's more of "philia" (friendship love, or "brotherly" love). The funny thing is that there is a hint of Eros still in me. Not meaning that there is a hope that we could get together, but rather a part of me that still deep down inside marinates in the moments we had, almost as if it doesn't want to let go...I don't even know how to get that part of me to let go. Do I even want to?
It seems like it's working as a reminder of what is to come...a sample of that love I've yearned for for so long...
I don't want to be a bad friend, but I don't want to risk going down that road again; it's just pain in the end. So I guess the question is: How do you be a good friend, to be there for the person when they need someone, to help them when they need help, to give when they need without running face first into a wall from the past? There has got to be a way, and I'm sure that I can't do it on my own. God give me strength.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The Day from Hell...
Okay, I hate Valentine's Day. It's one of those things/days that I wish I could just dis-invent. All day you get these annoyingly perky, single, Christian women wishing everyone a "Happy Singles Appreciation Day" or "Happy Singles Awareness Day"...Well guess what, I KNOW I'M SINGLE! Thanks for the reminder!
What's so special about Feb. 14th that we have to single out the single people or the couples? It's just another day of the year.
...
Okay, I stand corrected, there is an actual history behind the day and guess what: it has NOTHING to do with the "awareness" or "appreciation" of one being single.
History:
Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.
The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.
Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.
The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.
So, we can see that valentine's Day has been quite slaughtered by our very consumer driven mind set and drive to be politically correct...Heaven forbid we honor some people and not others!
Okay, now I know some of you who read my blog are thinking, "What's your problem? Why so bitter?" or something similar...And to be perfectly honest, I've just been burned to many times on Valentine's Day to really care, but I'm so stubborn that it annoys me when people are bright and bubbly about the day, and even more so if they're pushing the whole "day of singleness."
Valentine's Day is a day for couples, not single people. It's a day to celebrate the right to love and to marry the one you love, not to celebrate one's singleness or to take focus off of the purpose behind the holiday (Sound familiar? The meaning and purpose of Christmas has been slaughtered by our consumer life style too.).
Okay, well that's enough out of me. I have work to do now, enjoy the rest of whatever you call this day.
What's so special about Feb. 14th that we have to single out the single people or the couples? It's just another day of the year.
...
Okay, I stand corrected, there is an actual history behind the day and guess what: it has NOTHING to do with the "awareness" or "appreciation" of one being single.
History:
Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.
The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.
Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.
The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.
So, we can see that valentine's Day has been quite slaughtered by our very consumer driven mind set and drive to be politically correct...Heaven forbid we honor some people and not others!
Okay, now I know some of you who read my blog are thinking, "What's your problem? Why so bitter?" or something similar...And to be perfectly honest, I've just been burned to many times on Valentine's Day to really care, but I'm so stubborn that it annoys me when people are bright and bubbly about the day, and even more so if they're pushing the whole "day of singleness."
Valentine's Day is a day for couples, not single people. It's a day to celebrate the right to love and to marry the one you love, not to celebrate one's singleness or to take focus off of the purpose behind the holiday (Sound familiar? The meaning and purpose of Christmas has been slaughtered by our consumer life style too.).
Okay, well that's enough out of me. I have work to do now, enjoy the rest of whatever you call this day.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Confusing Thoughts...
Wow, lately I've been having some really interesting and very confusing thoughts...Hence the title of this blog!
About a month, there was this weird and random power out and my Windows computer was on at the time so it shut off unexpectedly. Well, it's not the first time that has happened so I thought nothing of it until a few weeks ago when I wanted to play some video games. I went to turn my compy on and it booted to BIOS POST with no problem, but then came back with a boot disk error...
"Hmmm..." I thought, "I've had it not read my primary slave before, but it's never had a problem reading my primary master." So, I restarted the compy and entered BIOS setup to see if it was reading my HDD's...Lo and behold it wasn't! "What!" I said very loudly..."This can't be happening!"
I was in denial; I restarted my compy and went through BIOS at least 5 more times to see of the drives were read and nothing! The power out fried both my HDD's! That's 120 GB of documents, music, videos, games, editing applications, graphic design applications and so much more...GONE!
So I've been thinking about finances lately and today I realized that my compy is just sitting there collecting dust. I haven't used it in close to over a month and I spend most of my time on my Power Book..."Why not put a new HDD in the compy and then sell it? And while I'm at it, why not throw in all my games and my PDA?" Okay, those of you who know me know that this is not normal thinking from me...Usually I'm a very strong Windows supporter, I like Windows for gaming...and now I'm talking of selling my gaming compy and all my games!
But think about it...my home built compy + 21 computer games + a Dell Axim X50 = MAJOR $$$! And I could definitely use the money right now.
I guess I'm blogging all of this mainly to justify or to process my actually doing this so I can rest easily (or at least try to). And besides, if I miss gaming so much, I can always save up some money and build a newer and better computer...just a thought.
Thanks for baring with me while I rant!
About a month, there was this weird and random power out and my Windows computer was on at the time so it shut off unexpectedly. Well, it's not the first time that has happened so I thought nothing of it until a few weeks ago when I wanted to play some video games. I went to turn my compy on and it booted to BIOS POST with no problem, but then came back with a boot disk error...
"Hmmm..." I thought, "I've had it not read my primary slave before, but it's never had a problem reading my primary master." So, I restarted the compy and entered BIOS setup to see if it was reading my HDD's...Lo and behold it wasn't! "What!" I said very loudly..."This can't be happening!"
I was in denial; I restarted my compy and went through BIOS at least 5 more times to see of the drives were read and nothing! The power out fried both my HDD's! That's 120 GB of documents, music, videos, games, editing applications, graphic design applications and so much more...GONE!
So I've been thinking about finances lately and today I realized that my compy is just sitting there collecting dust. I haven't used it in close to over a month and I spend most of my time on my Power Book..."Why not put a new HDD in the compy and then sell it? And while I'm at it, why not throw in all my games and my PDA?" Okay, those of you who know me know that this is not normal thinking from me...Usually I'm a very strong Windows supporter, I like Windows for gaming...and now I'm talking of selling my gaming compy and all my games!
But think about it...my home built compy + 21 computer games + a Dell Axim X50 = MAJOR $$$! And I could definitely use the money right now.
I guess I'm blogging all of this mainly to justify or to process my actually doing this so I can rest easily (or at least try to). And besides, if I miss gaming so much, I can always save up some money and build a newer and better computer...just a thought.
Thanks for baring with me while I rant!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back
You know, lately I've been doing whatever it takes to try to put things back to the way they used to be. I've been trying to put myself in the place I was at almost a year ago...Is that bad? Okay, that's a bit of an unfair question because I'm not trying to get exactly where I was, but in about the same place so I can move on...move on with my life.
I see myself trying to mend friendships and put myself in similar situations...but yet I want to move beyond where I was and see what I should have seen last May. I've got my resume all made up, I'm working on an updated and decent demo reel, and not to mention a graphic design portfolio and web page!
I don't know why, but it just feels awkward...I feel like I'm not being totally me, but I be me, would that put me in the same spot I was in a year ago, or would I have wizened up a bit?
I hate doubt and second guessing...I do it to myself all the time, and I've been working quitting that habit, but no luck so far...
I'm such a coward...I see my peers and friends moving on in life and just living without showing any fear. And here I am cowering in the security net of Vanguard. I know I need to do my own thing, but nothing and I do mean NOTHING has ever scared me so much. As long as I can remember, I've had some form of security with each step; I went to Vanguard because my brother came here and I knew I could get in with his friends until I was comfortable, I was a Comm major because I knew that it was an easy major, I work at Vanguard because I know the people and know that it's security (without benefits mind you). But going out to start a career is such a risk because I don't really have any "professional" experience and I'm really not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I'm a mess.
...
And yet God still has a plan for me, he still wants me to stick around for some purpose. It's comforting to know that you're needed, almost relaxing...to have a purpose, whether I know what it is or not, there is a purpose. I feel a bit at ease thinking/feeling that God can take my mess and have a purpose for it; I have purpose.
Funny little detour...You know...I always thought my purpose would be to get married and have a family and I know that I'm still young and have plenty of life left, but I've been single for close to 6 years now and I have been feeling discouraged that I don't have a girlfriend or even dating someone...but I was in a friend's office today and a couple other colleagues were talking about sexuality, sex and singleness (because we all happened to be single) and one of the most profound things was said about singleness..."Don't celebrate singleness, celebrate life! Being single is just a social state I am in, it is not what defines me." And I thought, 'wow, that's so profound!' Think about it, so many Christians these days are saying, "celebrate your singleness" but what does that mean? Well gee, if you're celebrating it, you're not really open to anything else, so while you're celebrating, what if God brings you the person you're to marry, but you're so caught up in your singleness you miss out? That's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.
So my being single should not get me down, nor should I start ranting and raving about the greatness of being single...Both singleness and couple-ness are blessings from God! After hearing this and thinking about it, I feel quite a bit better about my being single for just about 6 years. Ha hah, but that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to another 6; if I date, I date, if not...oh well.
Okay, that's enough out of me...
I see myself trying to mend friendships and put myself in similar situations...but yet I want to move beyond where I was and see what I should have seen last May. I've got my resume all made up, I'm working on an updated and decent demo reel, and not to mention a graphic design portfolio and web page!
I don't know why, but it just feels awkward...I feel like I'm not being totally me, but I be me, would that put me in the same spot I was in a year ago, or would I have wizened up a bit?
I hate doubt and second guessing...I do it to myself all the time, and I've been working quitting that habit, but no luck so far...
I'm such a coward...I see my peers and friends moving on in life and just living without showing any fear. And here I am cowering in the security net of Vanguard. I know I need to do my own thing, but nothing and I do mean NOTHING has ever scared me so much. As long as I can remember, I've had some form of security with each step; I went to Vanguard because my brother came here and I knew I could get in with his friends until I was comfortable, I was a Comm major because I knew that it was an easy major, I work at Vanguard because I know the people and know that it's security (without benefits mind you). But going out to start a career is such a risk because I don't really have any "professional" experience and I'm really not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I'm a mess.
...
And yet God still has a plan for me, he still wants me to stick around for some purpose. It's comforting to know that you're needed, almost relaxing...to have a purpose, whether I know what it is or not, there is a purpose. I feel a bit at ease thinking/feeling that God can take my mess and have a purpose for it; I have purpose.
Funny little detour...You know...I always thought my purpose would be to get married and have a family and I know that I'm still young and have plenty of life left, but I've been single for close to 6 years now and I have been feeling discouraged that I don't have a girlfriend or even dating someone...but I was in a friend's office today and a couple other colleagues were talking about sexuality, sex and singleness (because we all happened to be single) and one of the most profound things was said about singleness..."Don't celebrate singleness, celebrate life! Being single is just a social state I am in, it is not what defines me." And I thought, 'wow, that's so profound!' Think about it, so many Christians these days are saying, "celebrate your singleness" but what does that mean? Well gee, if you're celebrating it, you're not really open to anything else, so while you're celebrating, what if God brings you the person you're to marry, but you're so caught up in your singleness you miss out? That's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.
So my being single should not get me down, nor should I start ranting and raving about the greatness of being single...Both singleness and couple-ness are blessings from God! After hearing this and thinking about it, I feel quite a bit better about my being single for just about 6 years. Ha hah, but that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to another 6; if I date, I date, if not...oh well.
Okay, that's enough out of me...
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Confusion and Chaos
Kicking and screaming, I've been trying to focus myself, I'm hitting this point where I know what I need to do, but it's still a month away and so my mind is trying to find other things to focus my passion on and the things that it comes up with are troubling to me. My mind is trying to bring back old feelings, it's trying to build feelings with someone who is taken...The only place I've been able to find peace is in my dark living room with my guitar...Everything and everywhere else just resonates everything going on in my mind.
I want to quiet the noise, but I don't know how. I know that I have friends who are there to listen and I would love to talk this out with someone, but I don't know how to get this stuff out. I can't blog it, and I don't know how to talk about it...
I need some kind of mentor/guide person again. I remember back when Rybarczyk and I would meet on a weekly basis and just talk; I miss that, his wisdom and advice were priceless. He always new what to say, like he's been there and knows what it's like.
Anyway, I am going to my dark place to be at peace. Pray for me please.
I want to quiet the noise, but I don't know how. I know that I have friends who are there to listen and I would love to talk this out with someone, but I don't know how to get this stuff out. I can't blog it, and I don't know how to talk about it...
I need some kind of mentor/guide person again. I remember back when Rybarczyk and I would meet on a weekly basis and just talk; I miss that, his wisdom and advice were priceless. He always new what to say, like he's been there and knows what it's like.
Anyway, I am going to my dark place to be at peace. Pray for me please.
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