It's been well over a year since my last posting. I doubt I had any real followers (if I did, sorry and you should all find yourselves a good church to follow instead of me, lol) who missed the things I've had to say, but after the night I've just had and the things that I've been given the opportunity to think about, I can't help but post something of my (maybe distorted by a small volume of alcohol) thoughts and feelings from my soul.

I've found myself in an awkward predicament with my roommates this evening. Over that last several months I've found myself passing judgment as to whether they are naive and uncultured or just bigoted, but I find myself more "tolerant" of their life experiences. For instance, I just found out that both of them have only recently been exposed to death on a deep and personal level. One had a close grandparent die last winter and the other, a brother two and a half years ago. Here I am with a close friend committing suicide while in high school and almost committing the same act myself not long after. How can one relate these differences? Though death has touched us all, the result is very different for all of us. I'm pretty sure that I do not have the answers for any of their questions; for that matter, I don't have the answers to my questions.

What I do know is that I have exposed a part of myself (maybe unintentionally) to my roommates that I have always planned on keeping secret. I never planned on letting anyone into my secret plan to end my life, but here I am telling them and now you about it. Well, sort of.

This will be a short one for tonight. My brain is too cluster f***** to really put it all into cohesive thought, but maybe one night I will have it down.

Recent Thoughts...Caution, made me think and might make you too

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what brought this on. I was minding my own business, getting ready for tomorrow when I started thinking...And eventually thought that it would make an okay blog/discussion starter. Here are the statements/questions that ran through my head:

How can I stop [insert any kind of addiction/constant problem]? I can't stop, not on my own. Hell, it's my own will that wants to do [inserted problem]. "Do it with God's strength!" is what preachers teach. How can I do that? How do I access "God's strength"? How can I be strong enough to gain God's strength, and not stop [said problem]? I am not strong enough to turn away, nor am I strong enough to turn to God.

Now...I've pretty much been raised in the pentecostal way, and I can't shake all those charismatic preachers at the pulpit shoutin', "Turn to God!" for strength, comfort, security, etc. I'm finding that it's not that easy (duh). Few teachers out there will teach that a Christian walk is "easy" and those that do should be run out of town.

I don't know how to turn. Humans are creatures of habit, and some habits are harder than others to break.

Please don't question my beliefs. I know very well that there is a God and very much a Devil. I've felt and seen both extremes in life; some personally, others I bore witness to. I've seen people torn with stress and panic calmed in a blink of an eye. I've seen where curious minds have gone to try and explain "what if God isn't God?" or "what is God?" At times, I've wondered myself whether God really is God, but I'm always drawn back to the fact that if He wasn't, than life, EVERYTHING would be coincidence. (What a laugh!)

"By faith, we walk" is the motto that got pounded into my brain many years ago. I know there is a difference between knowing and believing, and you believe by faith, but can knowing be faith? So I ask this: How do you know if you have faith?

I know God exists. I'm pretty sure He likes me and wants to help. How do you turn?

Trying the writing thing again...

Driving down this empty highway,
I catch a glimpse of joy.
Kids laughing and jumping,
Cheer that no man could destroy.

Blinded by innocence the survive each day,
Paragons of righteousness
Unaware the value they portray.

I hear their laughter,
I see their smiles.
They can't see ahead,
They can't see their trials.

As existence pushes by,
Like a train late for its stop,
The scenery I see changes.
No more joy; No more laughter.

The chaotic fumes take hold,
And questioning spirits become bold.

I can't hear their laughter,
I can't see their smiles.
They now see ahead,
They now see their trials.

Diving through this city street,
I wonder if it ever sleeps.
Too busy to notice a little child,
Too occupied for joy.

Life Changes...

Well, it finally came...I'm leaving Disney.

As of the 30th, I will no longer be working for or at the Mouse. I'm moving on to something better (at least it looks better from where I'm sitting). I could use any support that's out there for the next couple of weeks while I adjust to the new job...Oh yeah, I do have another job lined up, so don't worry.

Hah! Like anyone would worry. Well, anyway...Hopefully I'll be able to dig myself OUT of the hole I've been in since I left Vanguard; it will take some work, but I believe it can happen...

That's about it, I'll be trying to keep this all up to date a bit more...

Losing Shadows

Shadows from the past
Ghosts from a life;
Times and faces floating in a sea of mist;
Bodies and laughs.

Lusting and yearning.
Forgotten.

To be there again
To hear and see again;
Vivid recollection fading slowly from view;
Blind and deaf.

Wishing and dreaming.
Remembered.

Were they ever…;
Was it ever…;
An impression is left; real or fake,
Bold and deep.

Craving and hallucinating.
Lost.

So...Yeah...

So...I know it's been a while since the last entry. No excuses, just a mixture of lazy and lack of motivation...(are those the same?)

Anyway, I'm here now and am a bit lost...

I'm at a bit of a crossroads...or at least I'm coming up to one. Not quite sure yet. I feel like a choice is looming in the shadows waiting for something to happen before it jumps out for the surprise. It could be waiting for me to do something or to reach a certain point of life/maturity or whatever, but it's there. Everything tells me that I need to just focus on what's going on now and not put too much into this feeling yet, but my very nature has always been to worry about the future. That's my weakness; the future, the unknown...

I keep wanting to ask those around me how to deal with this fear, but at the moment they would just look at me in a "WTF" look and say to forget it...I can't stand that because I just can't let it go. For a day or so I'd be fine, but then the feeling comes as hard as some obsession.

I don't know. If there are two roads to go, is one necessarily right and the other wrong? Would they both lead to the same place? Or blah, blah, blah...the questions never stop. Well, I guess if I busy myself I'll get there soon enough; so whether I spend more time at work or doing freelance projects or hanging out with more/different friends, I'll get to the crossroad and make my choice then. Until then, I guess I should just let life influence me with what I surround myself with and let it be.

Let's see how long this lasts... :)

As of late...

I've been so busy with work and trying to get caught up with bills that I have just totally not had any time to hang out with my friends or have fun...All work and no play makes the Baron a not so fun kinda guy.

And to top it all off, I'm running out of steam! AAAAARRRG! Oh well, I guess I gotta' "keep on truckin" or "burn the midnight oil" or "just keep movin' forward" (according to the Robinsons [new Disney/Pixar release]) or any NUMBER of lame sayings...

I need rest, but mostly, I need fun relaxation.