Update...

Well, Christmas is over and I'm back in the O.C. It was nice to be able and spend some time with my parents; they have become an enormous source of peace, wisdom and guidance. My mother especially...

I've talked with her several times about recent events concerning my close friends, and she has been very encouraging and supportive despite my mistakes. I love her and appreciate her...Let it be known.

Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. So this Christmas was one of the best with my immediate family and one of the worst with my aunt, uncle and grandparents. Although I must say that it was awesome hanging out with my Poppa (grandpa). So, out with the bad first and end with good...

My grandma is starting to feel like she is being pushed out of our lives (the grand children) and she sorta' is, but not because we don't want to see or talk to her, but because she is being so stubborn and (I believe) foolish to my mother. She wants to control everything and if the smallest thing is not under her control or in her power to change, she gets upset and cuts people off. That's how she deals with problems, she always has. Well, my mother wanted to live her own life and not let grandma make her decisions (which is great!), but grandma didn't like it and so cut my ma off and they haven't spoken in almost two years. Well, now that I'm becoming my own independent man, I'm noticing this and don't want to see my ma hurt and so I get frustrated with grandma because I can now see her trying to control my life when I visit her; I'll find myself changing my personality drastically when I'm visiting her and I don't like doing it, but I don't want to hurt her either. It can be very frustrating.

Oh well, it's not the end of the world and out of all of this, I have become closer with my parents which I am grateful. Ok so my brother and I traveled up to Bako on Friday and got there about 15 minutes to 11pm. Ma and dad weren't up, so I did my laundry and then went to bed. Dad woke me up the next morning with the dogs (evil thing to do after 5 hours of sleep) and the fun started. Christmas eve was spent being lazy and finishing gift wrapping and what-not. After dinner, my brother, sister and I spent several hours watching "A Christmas Story" over and over because TBS or some station was playing it for 24 hours...AMAZING, simply amazing! I don't think I could see that movie too many times! Well, I went to be late and then my dad woke me up again on Christmas morning just so he could eat breakfast. Heheh, it's kinda' ironic because usually we (the children) are the ones who wake the parents, and now it's the parents waking the children...Oh well! Anyway, after breakfast we opened presents and the most memorable part was watching my brother, Steven open his gift...Our dad drew his name and got him a Best Buy gift card, but instead of just wrapping it with paper, he wrapped it in tissue paper and then put it in a small wooden box that he made specifically for this. He sealed it with glue and finishing nail all around, so one couldn't just take a hammer and pry the nails from it...it took Steven about 30-40 minutes to open the box and holy crap it was hilarious!! He spent so long hitting it with a hammer and then using a chisel to try to pry it open and finally he got it! Hurray, he's finished! It was a great Christmas morning. I hope everything was good for your Christmas too! That's right, I'm talking to you.

And now, I make my leave to rest and sleep.

New Time...New Chapter

Today marks a new walk for me...I've discovered that for the last 3-4 months or so, I have been holding on dearly to a dream, an idea that is not possible. Now that I realize that, I am aware of all that I have missed out on...

I have some really good friends. Friends is all they are, for friends are what I need. This will of coarse take some getting used to, but with it, a new outlook on life and everything may develop and may lead to an improved me. Who knows...What I know is that I must now look for God's blessing, rather than expecting provision. I hope everyone knows the difference between "provision" and "blessing;" that will be for another blog.

Anyway, I'm single! Going on 6 years single actually, and I feel a little bit better about it...now that I have an idea of the road I am to go down and what it will lead to.

Rough Day

It's been a rough day. I wish it soon be over. But though the sun set and rise again, still will I face the same troubles that arose today. Again will I face trials that have surfaced and problems that I must solve. Does it ever end? Will I ever rest? Will I ever have peace?

I don't know, but one thing I do know...I'm through playing games. I'm done. I can no longer live like young cat being teased with feathers on a stick. I'm tired and need to start looking after myself. God has a road for me, please show me.

I don't know what to do now, I'm lost in the dark.
I can't find my footing now, this is no such lark.
Help me through the thickets and thorns, show my feet the solid ground.
Give my soul peace and rest, while I am homeward bound.

Not Much...

Life is a roller coaster, many ups and downs, many turn-arounds. As sick as you or I may get, we keep going on, we keep moving forward as best we can. Yes, we will occasionally hit a pot hole and trip, but only so we can learn to get back up again and keep moving forward. Yes, we will occasionally get lost, but that's what friends and family are for, to help you find your way back home. We are human...I am only human, imperfect at best, but I keep moving forward toward God, my light at the end of the tunnel.

Blog

I have hurt the ones closest to me with things I posted here. Nothing can take back time or what I said. This is the end of blogging for me; I never wanted to hurt anyone and now I did something stupid.

Good bye.

Where am I? Where is God?

NOTE: This is going to be an intense blog and there will be a disclaimer below. If you are not prepared for any of this, STOP READING NOW (or after the disclaimer).

DISCLAIMER:
The following comes from the heart and mind of Andrew. It is not a dramatic re-enactment of anything or Andrew trying to get attention (that's pretty hard to do on Blogger), it is how he feels and his honest reflections upon his life and current chapter. There may/will be "questionable" language that is not suitable for young readers or the faint. If you do not wish to risk any serious mental/spiritual scaring, STOP READING NOW! Finally, Andrew would like to apologies to anyone who becomes: disappointed, hurt, crushed, shocked, betrayed or any number of negative reactions to this blog; it is not Andrew's intention for any of this, he just needs somewhere, some place to vent, process and let out what is clouding his head. Thank you.

Okay, all the legalities have been taken care of. Please know that I have no where else I feel I can go at 1 in the morning, so please, if you're concerned, email or call me; don't make any judgments without talking to me, please.

I'm lost. Lost in a world of deception, betrayers and pretenders. Lost in a place where I do not belong. Lost without a word from God...It pains me and brings me to tears to think this, but I haven't felt or heard from God in so long. I'm empty, begging to be filled and nothing...I hear nothing from anywhere. I pretend so well that sometimes I fool myself; I play a very convincing Christian; wanting to go to church and small group, enjoying worship and time of reflection, talking to God (praying). And from all of this, I haven't heard or felt God.

I feel like God is ignoring me so he can see what I would do.

It's not like I don't think God exists, I know he does! I have felt him before, I have heard him before! So why can't I now when I need him most?! Where is he?

I have so many holes in me that I want to be filled, I have so many wounds that I want to have healed, I have so many things that I want to change...BUT I CAN'T DO IT ON MY OWN! So naturally I turn to God, but now I can't find him. Someone please tell me what's going on! Why is getting harder for me to lose my feelings for her? Why is it getting harder for me to be a good person? Why is it getting harder for me to joyful? I don't want to be bitter or morbid, but I am! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER ANYMORE!!!

Is that too much to ask? Life is too hard to live with these feeling and no possibility of anything happening! And then to make things worse, I have absolutely nothing to do, to occupy me! Why is that bad? Well, for starters, I think a lot when I have nothing to do, and usually it's very pessimistic and negative towards me and my life, but generally very positive for everyone else. Why can't God show up and fill me up to the point where there is no room for her or anyone else? Why do I have such a passion for love, companionship and family? What's so wrong with me cutting everyone off and being a hermit? Is that too much to ask? I know that my plan is 98.3% not what God wants for me, but what is his plan? Because right now, my plan sounds like it might be easier, healthier and wiser.

I know some people I know would say that walking God's path for us isn't easy, "no one ever said it would be..." I KNOW! But I'm hurting too much to carry on and I can't feel God's presence; him just being here or helping me out.

I seriously want to leave everything and everyone I know and start over in like some unknown place where the only person that would hurt me would be me; there would be no one else around for me to form a connection to...Yes, I would be very lonely and the very thought of me being lonely makes me sick...But there would be less pain. How much pain to I have to bare before God will show up again?

PLEASE GOD, SHOW YOURSELF! Be here and help me. I have no one I can talk to. And lately, I've felt like you don't hear me or don't care. And that just goes against everything that I've ever experienced and learned. I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be empty, I don't want to feel bad or guilty for loving her.

I'm lost.

Confusion

Okay, I know that it’s been a while…I guess that because I can’t see who or how many people are reading these, I’m not always motivated to right as consistently as I did when I had MySpace. Oh well; I guess that just means that WHEN I get around to blogging, they will be that much better. Hahahah!

Anyway, who am I kidding? Who would read all of my drama?

Speaking of drama…

I’m confused again. Not because of a particular someone, but because of me. I have gone and confused myself with the notion that it may still happen, we may get together in the future, we may end up loving each other, we may end up married…and it just keeps going. But the fact of the matter is: WE’RE NOT! She and I will never get together, fall in love, get married or whatever because of one simple reason: I can’t wait; or something like that. There may actually be more than one reason, but that’s the big one.

I don’t think that I can be her friend and just wait to see if it happens. She is an amazing friend, but I can’t handle the feelings. I said it a couple of nights ago when I was talking with God, “I think I love her, but I don’t know how or why!” *Note: By “how,” I mean whether as a friend or like, “I could spend the rest of my life with you.”* God’s timing is perfect and mine is not…and considering the situation, I’m just going to screw this up no matter what I do. Either I keep perusing her while remaining her friend and exhausting every once of energy I have or I give up completely and become a dark and miserable man. To be perfectly honest, I think I’ll be miserable either way because there is no outlet for my feelings, my passion.

These last few weeks have been amazing! Just hanging out, helping her out, her helping me…She is just so amazing I have trouble focusing on anything when she is around. And I feel guilty for having these feelings and thinking this stuff and typing it out because she does not want to date anyone, whatsoever (meaning: it’s not God’s time for her and she knows it and is willing to wait). So by feeling this, and thinking it, I’m putting her in a situation that causes her to second guess what she believes or questions something else (who knows). I know it’s hard for her, I just wish I could put it behind me and not be hounded by it over and over and over again.

What is it with me anyway? I mean, who am I? Tonight, me, her and a friend went out to see “Walking the Line” and though I’m not a fan of Jonny Cash, I respect the man because he has such a dark side, but has dealt with it and grown/matured. He struggled and new that he had a good, good friend who would be there for him, he struggled to make it up to her and she struggled with him to help him overcome his problems. Anyway, watching the film reminded me a lot of me: there is a darkness inside of me that has such a grasp and place in my life, I don’t know who or where I would be without it, but at the same time I have this deep fascination with romance. It’s like this unbalanced thing inside of me.

I…I live in this dark and depressing place where nothing really scares me, but everything is frightening and unknown, but in the midst of all the chaos and shadows, there is a light; a place where I get along just fine with people in general, where I don’t shut down to others, where I can enjoy romance and even yearn for it. These two parts clash all the time and it’s starting to get on my nerves. Who am I? Am I that dark, sinister person who draws the glance of the crowd as I walk by, or am I a cheerful and friendly person who wants to help everyone be happier?

Can there be a balance? Can I be her friend and believe that there might be a chance? Are my feelings for her wishful thinking or is it real love? I don’t know, and I don’t think I will know until these next couple of chapters pass.

But for now, I must stay my course and be the best friend that I can be without compromising either her beliefs or mine.

Hard times and thankful prayer.

Okay, so life has been quite the trip this last week or so, but now I have to say that I think God has been there the entire time...funny how that happens, isn't it?

Anyway, with all that drama that's been going on, I've really come to appreciate the little time that I have where I can just unload to and upload from God. Kinda like now! Hahahah. Okay, so the purpose of this blog is simple: To share a prayer that I wrote that may or may not help you, but it has helped me. I wrote this a few months ago while spending a weekend in Big Bear away from civilization and it really does help me put into perspective my struggles and how I've come through them and grown and become who God wants me to be (so now I can be joyful in my sorrow).

So without further adu:

I thank you, God for this time away;
It truly is a gorgeous day.

I've been struggling, Lord for quite some time,
Trying to find this "place of mine."

Each day I live, each day I grow.
Each waking moment becomes so slow.

I'm so confused by what's said and done,
I'm not so sure if it's "good and fun."

Please show me, God where I need to be;
More than just under this tree.

Prepare my heart for what's ahead,
Let my spirit feel like it's been fed.

I pray you show me what to do,
Before I wake up and go back to school.

Amen

If you happen not to be in school or teach or whatever, you can insert the following instead of the last stanza if you like the whole rhyming prayer/poem thing: "I pray you help me get through this mirk, Before I wake up and go back to work." Enjoy and lates!

A!

Two amazing friends!

I have been having some really good conversations with a couple really close and good friends lately and I am just awe struck at how awesomely wise and amazing they both are. We...well, I guess I can't say "we"...I have been trying to understand and grasp all around what exactly God is showing me in my friendships with these women, and I think I can almost understand what it is that He wants me to see.

You see, I was talking with one of these amazing women the other night about my feelings and frustrations with my feelings towards someone and she just said the most awesome thing, that is pretty much what dawned on my in the shower a couple of weeks ago (I would enter a link to my MySpace blog where I blogged about it, but it no longer exists...). She said, "Maybe God put you with us (these two great friends) because He wants you to learn what is like to love a woman as a friend and nothing more...not trying to lead the relationship where you want it to go."

"HOLY POO!!" I know that it's pretty much re-worded from my thoughts from my other blog, but this is different, because I know that I'm not the only one struggling with this...I'm not the only one frustrated with this whole, "I'm attracted to you and you to me, but we can't do anything about it..." place; I'm not weird or anything. And to be perfectly honest, because I know that we both have times when we're just hard pressed about this matter, we BOTH are experiencing similar things...

Yes, we process it a bit differently and deal with it in our own ways...but, some how, in some sadistic way, it brings peace to know that she isn't perfect; that God is working on her too (which is just a weird concept, but a realistic one...long story, don't ask). Like it says in Romans 5 (which I just recently blogged about), "Let us rejoice in our sufferings, for we all know that suffering brings perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

I now see that without these times of awkwardness, or tension, we wouldn't be able to be such good and close friends now. Yeah, every now and then something might come up where we might be a little weird with each other, but once we talk about it and get it out in the open...we're right as rain! We are best friends...God has given me two great, best friends in these two women and I thank Him for them!

And now I see and thank Him for those tough times, for all those up-hill battles, because without them, I would as close to them as I am, nor would I be who I am today. Praise God for my hard times! (Does that sound a bit strange? It does to me, but oh well, I don't care!) God just keeps bringing me new surprises for each chapter of my story. It truly is exciting!

Joy in Suffering

Okay, it’s just totally weird some of the stuff that just pops right in front of you when reading the Bible. Like on Sunday at Shark Club (Rock Harbor for those of you who don’t attend this church), we were talking about sex and sexuality from the perspective of marriage, and anyway, we were going over Ephesians 5:21-28 and go figure…our English translation doesn’t really fit the Greek! Oh, well you know, that’s getting a bit off topic from where I wanted to go; the point being that concept can kind of just jump out at you from out of no where.

Back on topic (great transition, huh?), I was reading my Bible today when something hit me…a footnote! I love footnotes (especially when writing a 50 page paper)!

Take a moment and read Romans 5:1-11…If you don’t have your bibles with you, here you go:

“1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, weD have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And weD rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but weD also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Okay, I know it’s only 1-5, but that’s a lot to type…

Anyway, notice how there are little footnotes in verses 1, 2, and 3. Let me show you what the footnote says, “D1,2,3 Or let us” Meaning, try replacing “we” with “let us” because some translations use “let us” instead of “we.”

You try it. Go on, replace the “we”s with the footnote with “let us” and you might just be surprised at the change in meaning.

…Well…Did you see or feel it? If not, that’s okay, because I’m going to explain it anyway.

Every time I read this passage before today (once or twice recently I think), I always understood it to be something that comes normal for “true” Christians…It’s normal and natural for a Christian to have peace with God, it’s normal for a Christian to rejoice in the glory of God, and it’s normal for a Christian to rejoice in their suffering. HA! I must not be a Christian then, because there are many times when I’m not at peace with God, nor do I hardly ever rejoice in my suffering!

It seems to come across as a normal and natural thing because when it was translated, those who translated decided to use “we”. Why is that such a big deal? Well because the word “we” is very selective and has the tendency to include some, but not all. Where as the term, “let us” is extremely inclusive to anybody because it’s saying, “come and let us be together in this, united…all.”

Such a huge difference! I now feel that the three point that Paul is making in these few verses is now, “Hey, we get to have peace with God (it does not come natural, but we get the opportunity); we get to rejoice in the HOPE of God’s grace (it’s doesn’t come naturally, but we get the opportunity); we GET to rejoice in our suffering (it in NO way comes naturally, but we GET to!)!”

I mean holy crap! I get to rejoice in my suffering? Isn’t that just a bit masochistic? Honestly, I don’t think so, at least in the context that Paul is writing, “suffering produces character; and character, hope.” So, if we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that afterward we will be changed for the better, or we will have a new understanding, then it is very possible to be joyous for times of suffering.

But then does that mean that we should try to be happy about our hard times? This I’m not totally sold on because I know that it is possible to “joyful” and not happy at the same time. For instance, say an amazingly close, Christian friend of yours died. Yes, you’re distraught that they’re gone and sad for your loss and others’ loss, but at the same time you know that they are with the creator of the universe! And that’s a joyful thought.

So, are we called to be happy about our tough times? I still don’t know, because if we don’t put the effort into trying to be happy or joyful in our time of sorrow or suffering, then it becomes that much easier to fall into a depressing slump where you become depressed, miserable and in essence, not yourself (well, for most people, but I’m generally pretty dark and depressing by nature...I think it’s just part of who I am).

Are there any down sides to wanting/trying/succeeding at being happy during your time of suffering? I think there are, believe it or not. If you put so much effort into showing/displaying a different person than what’s going on, then you become fake to the world and those around you. This can actually become habit forming because then you realize that, maybe more people like this pretend you, and so then you start “being” that person more often. You begin to hide the trouble, the sorrow, the pain so much that it just keeps building up in side of you to the point where you don’t know which way is up and you don’t care because you would rather die than carry on. Sorry, there’s a bit of me for those of you who were wondering why I know this…feeling…state…framework so well. I used to be there heavily, and occasionally visit it.

So, one would think that there has to be some kind of middle ground, right? I don’t know. If there is, would someone please share it.

The point of this is…we CAN and GET to be joyful about our pain, suffering, sorrow and time of being down trodden because we know, beyond a shadow of doubt that in the end, we will be who God wants us to be; we will be better people; we will be better “Christians” (whatever that means).

No one ever said that Christianity was easy to live out, or easy to understand…but we know that it is rough at times and most of all…we know the outcome. WE WIN!

I guess that’s it for now, I think I’ve said everything that I wanted to say…Sorry it’s so long, it just sometimes takes me a while to process some of this stuff and really understand it. Well, I guess I shall now leave you to do what you want…Adios.

Marriage

Okay, wow, I went to an amazing service tonight!

We've been talking about sex and sexuality for the last 5 weeks in church and it's just been amazing! This being the fifth week, we were talking about sex and sexuality from the marriage perspective, and it was eye opening.

I always knew that there was some kind of theology behind marriage and knew that God had created it with intent, but never had I given it all that much thought...mainly because I am no where near, what I would say is ready, or experienced with marriage. The most experience I have is from observing my parents, aunts and uncles, and now in these last couple chapters my friends who have married. So, I'm no authority and so therefore a lot of what I say may be old to you, the reader, but it's very new and amazing to me...so bare with me.

Okay, let's start with this idea of the "Theology of Marriage." What did God intend for marriage? Why did he create it? Well, there are actually several answers to this question, but they ALL fall under the following idea: Marriage always points to something bigger.

Okay, so what's that mean?

Well, for one it means that there are forces, or ties, or SOMETHING that is above us that can pull two people together and fuel their love for 50, 60 or even 80+ years! There has to be something bigger than us, otherwise we wouldn't be able to last that long; we'd end up killing each other if there wasn't.

Okay, why else is there a theology for marriage? Well, in Genesis 2 when Adam names his partner "woman," he declares that because, "she is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone...a man will leave his parents to be with his wife...and the two will become one flesh." This is one of the only passages that talk about two people becoming one...and go figure, it's a similar concept to God being three-in-one! Could it be that marriage and sex resemble God when it is between a husband and wife? I think so!

Another thing about marriage, the Bible begins with marriage and ENDS with marriage too! I never noticed or thought about this, but it's true. Genesis 2 opens the Bible with marriage and Revelation 19 and 21 end the Bible with marriage.

In Revelation 19: 6-9, John talks about a cry from the heavens he heard, "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be gblad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready...Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!'" Okay, so obviously the "Lamb" is Christ and the bride, guess what, is the church. So WOW, a wedding that will put the Church and Christ together forever!

Revelation 21: 2 talks about how the new Jerusalem descends down "from God dressed as a beautiful bride for her husband." Again, symbolism for the church and Christ.

Let's not forget the other 20-30 passages like, Isaiah 62: 3-5 or Hosea 2: 14-17 or Jeremiah 3:8 or Matthew 9:14-15 or Matthew 22: 1-3 or Matthew 25: 1...and many, many more.

Okay, so now that we have a handle on the theology of marriage, why is there a theology? Well, God ordained marriage and sexuality for a specific reason, I believe: So God has a language or method to show and tell us His passion and love for us. Is that hard to grasp? It was at first for me, and then I started thinking about it and it totally makes sense! In what other aspect of life is God able to communicate to use His community, his union with his church?

Okay, and another thing! (Marriage is just HUGE!) God always gave us signs or symbols to remember His promises and props right? Right, for the flood, He gave us rainbows; for the promise to Abraham, he gave us circumcision; for His death, he gave us the wafer and wine. Well, Jesus used marriage as a prop in many of His teachings and in the beginning through Adam made the promise of the union and, therefore, He gave us a sign...SEX! Sex is what unites the two into one. Sex is what God gave us to remember His union and His relationship with us, the church.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, because it's getting quite late...So for that reason (and this is amounting to an extremely long blog...I call it, "Isjami-blogging") I will end this blog, and continue on the thoughts and misunderstanding of Ephesians 5...Yup, that will have to wait for another blog.

Something I posted a while ago...

Okay, so I posted this about a week ago or so, and I just totally feel that it's still relavent to my life now, but this time, I have a better understanding of what's going on...

"God has an interesting way or rather an interesting method in choosing where and when one dawns upon a revelation.

For those of you who I’ve not been talking with, I’ve been trying to work through a few different issues in my life ranging from relationships to what my purpose is here (in life and in Costa Mesa). It’s been a very rocky road (not the ice cream).

But anyway, now that the recap is done…I know, it wasn’t much of a recap, I’m sorry. Alright, now I know that if I carry on without defining a couple of the terms I know I’m going to use or make it understood that this is a blog about my story, in this chapter that may not have anything to do with anyone else, I’ll be in a world of hurt because several people out there will misunderstand and not very many, if any of them will seek to discover the truth about what I feel.

First: I will be using the term “lovers.” When I say this, I am not talking about two people who are having sex. I use the word purely for the romantic and intimate meaning set by the Song of Solomon. In other words, two people in a romantic relationship that doesn’t include sex because, thank God, I’m not having nor ready for sex.

Second: Intimacy is something a lot of people throw the “taboo” card on (similar to sex) because it’s so closely associated with sex. However, intimacy is NOT limited to sex or sexual situations. Best friends can be intimate with each other on a non-sexual level. Intimacy is just the sharing and/or exposing of one’s soul to another. This is the sense of the word that I’m referring to.

ANYWAY! I have stumbled upon a concept that applies to my life at this time that is just boggling my mind: Right now, in this chapter of my life, love between friends is more important, more beneficial (?), better for me (?) than love between lovers. I’ve been splitting my self in two trying to find my place in both where I’m at and who I’m with.

Part of me has really been missing the community that was at my fingertips when I lived on campus as a student. I miss being able to just walk down the hall and having a good discussion with a friend, or playing a game of Risk or Chess, or watching a movie. Everything was tight, but now that I’m off campus and living with a friend and not very many people with in a close proximity that I can go and just barge in to their place…

However, the other part of me has been longing and searching for that special someone who I could spend time doing anything, from talking seriously to just having fun going to Boomers or something. Where we don’t even have to be doing anything except enjoying each other’s presence. A relationship that is so deep and intimate that we wouldn’t be able to imagine life without the other person.

So what does God do…well, okay, let me rephrase…So what to I do to process this? I get angry and pissed off with my friends, for those I’ve created community with because “they are denying me love between lovers. And then I feel guilty because they really haven’t done anything to wrong me, so then I get angry with myself and want to disappear into my dark place where I can live in self pity depression; hiding from those who care. And now that I’m angry with myself, I get angry at God because no human likes to blame themselves for too long, so we look for another outlet and in my case I try to find someway to blame God. As foolhardy as this is, it’s true.

All this happened last night, just to let you know…So I went to bed angry (and had some gnarly dreams too) and when I woke up to get ready for one of my friend’s wedding, I was standing there in the shower of all places still thinking and trying to reason my way around things when God unveiled my eyes…I need community now more than I need romantic intimacy. Now this is all a lot to process, so please bare with me because I’m still trying to fully understand it.

I have this very deep passion for family, parenthood and love; I pray for these things everyday (not necessarily that I get them that day, but rather that God lead me to a place, to a chapter where I have them). These feelings/ideas/places in life bring me joy, mainly because I want to be like God and these things bring us fallible humans closer to God and closer to being “God-like.” For instance, God is three in one; well in marriage, when the man and wife have sex, they become two in one. “Two fleshes, but one soul.” How AMAZING is that!?

I don’t know any of this for sure or claim it with experience (I have none), but rather from discussions with those who do/have and through some very intense sermons. I pray that God would bless my friends with joy and happiness, whether he uses me or not. I just want to see them happy. I love this community, and I need to embrace this love amongst friends as a gift from God for this chapter of my life. And again I find myself waiting for God’s timing in finding the love of lovers."

Maybe this will help someone out or maybe someone can help me out...We'll see.

New Blog Site

Alright everyone. This is my first post with Blogger.com, so it may take some time to adjust from MySpace.com.

Yes, for those of you who were wondering, I am turning away from MySpace.com. Why? For reasons that are my own. So, now that I'm here, you might as well sit down and enjoy my blogs.

So, I have been noticing that I tend to create drama around my life. I will take something (a situation in life or a relationship) and build it into this weaving web of confussion that makes me dizzy when I am not occupied by work or friends. I've been thinking lately of my recent drama with a certain lady friend of mine and our little bit of history, and well...I'm upset about it. I am upset that nothing happened, I am upset that my best friend (this lady friend of mine) and my roommate spend so much time together (more than me and her anyway) and I'm upset that I am upset with them.

I'm telling you, if you were to spend a week in my shoes, you would all go nuts.

Unfortunately, I'm still trying to work through this, so I am unable to be some source of wisdom or beacon for anyone...I'm just as imperfect and falable as anyone else (if not more so). Keep me in your prayers please.

Lates!