Where am I? Where is God?

NOTE: This is going to be an intense blog and there will be a disclaimer below. If you are not prepared for any of this, STOP READING NOW (or after the disclaimer).

DISCLAIMER:
The following comes from the heart and mind of Andrew. It is not a dramatic re-enactment of anything or Andrew trying to get attention (that's pretty hard to do on Blogger), it is how he feels and his honest reflections upon his life and current chapter. There may/will be "questionable" language that is not suitable for young readers or the faint. If you do not wish to risk any serious mental/spiritual scaring, STOP READING NOW! Finally, Andrew would like to apologies to anyone who becomes: disappointed, hurt, crushed, shocked, betrayed or any number of negative reactions to this blog; it is not Andrew's intention for any of this, he just needs somewhere, some place to vent, process and let out what is clouding his head. Thank you.

Okay, all the legalities have been taken care of. Please know that I have no where else I feel I can go at 1 in the morning, so please, if you're concerned, email or call me; don't make any judgments without talking to me, please.

I'm lost. Lost in a world of deception, betrayers and pretenders. Lost in a place where I do not belong. Lost without a word from God...It pains me and brings me to tears to think this, but I haven't felt or heard from God in so long. I'm empty, begging to be filled and nothing...I hear nothing from anywhere. I pretend so well that sometimes I fool myself; I play a very convincing Christian; wanting to go to church and small group, enjoying worship and time of reflection, talking to God (praying). And from all of this, I haven't heard or felt God.

I feel like God is ignoring me so he can see what I would do.

It's not like I don't think God exists, I know he does! I have felt him before, I have heard him before! So why can't I now when I need him most?! Where is he?

I have so many holes in me that I want to be filled, I have so many wounds that I want to have healed, I have so many things that I want to change...BUT I CAN'T DO IT ON MY OWN! So naturally I turn to God, but now I can't find him. Someone please tell me what's going on! Why is getting harder for me to lose my feelings for her? Why is it getting harder for me to be a good person? Why is it getting harder for me to joyful? I don't want to be bitter or morbid, but I am! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER ANYMORE!!!

Is that too much to ask? Life is too hard to live with these feeling and no possibility of anything happening! And then to make things worse, I have absolutely nothing to do, to occupy me! Why is that bad? Well, for starters, I think a lot when I have nothing to do, and usually it's very pessimistic and negative towards me and my life, but generally very positive for everyone else. Why can't God show up and fill me up to the point where there is no room for her or anyone else? Why do I have such a passion for love, companionship and family? What's so wrong with me cutting everyone off and being a hermit? Is that too much to ask? I know that my plan is 98.3% not what God wants for me, but what is his plan? Because right now, my plan sounds like it might be easier, healthier and wiser.

I know some people I know would say that walking God's path for us isn't easy, "no one ever said it would be..." I KNOW! But I'm hurting too much to carry on and I can't feel God's presence; him just being here or helping me out.

I seriously want to leave everything and everyone I know and start over in like some unknown place where the only person that would hurt me would be me; there would be no one else around for me to form a connection to...Yes, I would be very lonely and the very thought of me being lonely makes me sick...But there would be less pain. How much pain to I have to bare before God will show up again?

PLEASE GOD, SHOW YOURSELF! Be here and help me. I have no one I can talk to. And lately, I've felt like you don't hear me or don't care. And that just goes against everything that I've ever experienced and learned. I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be empty, I don't want to feel bad or guilty for loving her.

I'm lost.