Update...

Well, Christmas is over and I'm back in the O.C. It was nice to be able and spend some time with my parents; they have become an enormous source of peace, wisdom and guidance. My mother especially...

I've talked with her several times about recent events concerning my close friends, and she has been very encouraging and supportive despite my mistakes. I love her and appreciate her...Let it be known.

Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. So this Christmas was one of the best with my immediate family and one of the worst with my aunt, uncle and grandparents. Although I must say that it was awesome hanging out with my Poppa (grandpa). So, out with the bad first and end with good...

My grandma is starting to feel like she is being pushed out of our lives (the grand children) and she sorta' is, but not because we don't want to see or talk to her, but because she is being so stubborn and (I believe) foolish to my mother. She wants to control everything and if the smallest thing is not under her control or in her power to change, she gets upset and cuts people off. That's how she deals with problems, she always has. Well, my mother wanted to live her own life and not let grandma make her decisions (which is great!), but grandma didn't like it and so cut my ma off and they haven't spoken in almost two years. Well, now that I'm becoming my own independent man, I'm noticing this and don't want to see my ma hurt and so I get frustrated with grandma because I can now see her trying to control my life when I visit her; I'll find myself changing my personality drastically when I'm visiting her and I don't like doing it, but I don't want to hurt her either. It can be very frustrating.

Oh well, it's not the end of the world and out of all of this, I have become closer with my parents which I am grateful. Ok so my brother and I traveled up to Bako on Friday and got there about 15 minutes to 11pm. Ma and dad weren't up, so I did my laundry and then went to bed. Dad woke me up the next morning with the dogs (evil thing to do after 5 hours of sleep) and the fun started. Christmas eve was spent being lazy and finishing gift wrapping and what-not. After dinner, my brother, sister and I spent several hours watching "A Christmas Story" over and over because TBS or some station was playing it for 24 hours...AMAZING, simply amazing! I don't think I could see that movie too many times! Well, I went to be late and then my dad woke me up again on Christmas morning just so he could eat breakfast. Heheh, it's kinda' ironic because usually we (the children) are the ones who wake the parents, and now it's the parents waking the children...Oh well! Anyway, after breakfast we opened presents and the most memorable part was watching my brother, Steven open his gift...Our dad drew his name and got him a Best Buy gift card, but instead of just wrapping it with paper, he wrapped it in tissue paper and then put it in a small wooden box that he made specifically for this. He sealed it with glue and finishing nail all around, so one couldn't just take a hammer and pry the nails from it...it took Steven about 30-40 minutes to open the box and holy crap it was hilarious!! He spent so long hitting it with a hammer and then using a chisel to try to pry it open and finally he got it! Hurray, he's finished! It was a great Christmas morning. I hope everything was good for your Christmas too! That's right, I'm talking to you.

And now, I make my leave to rest and sleep.

New Time...New Chapter

Today marks a new walk for me...I've discovered that for the last 3-4 months or so, I have been holding on dearly to a dream, an idea that is not possible. Now that I realize that, I am aware of all that I have missed out on...

I have some really good friends. Friends is all they are, for friends are what I need. This will of coarse take some getting used to, but with it, a new outlook on life and everything may develop and may lead to an improved me. Who knows...What I know is that I must now look for God's blessing, rather than expecting provision. I hope everyone knows the difference between "provision" and "blessing;" that will be for another blog.

Anyway, I'm single! Going on 6 years single actually, and I feel a little bit better about it...now that I have an idea of the road I am to go down and what it will lead to.

Rough Day

It's been a rough day. I wish it soon be over. But though the sun set and rise again, still will I face the same troubles that arose today. Again will I face trials that have surfaced and problems that I must solve. Does it ever end? Will I ever rest? Will I ever have peace?

I don't know, but one thing I do know...I'm through playing games. I'm done. I can no longer live like young cat being teased with feathers on a stick. I'm tired and need to start looking after myself. God has a road for me, please show me.

I don't know what to do now, I'm lost in the dark.
I can't find my footing now, this is no such lark.
Help me through the thickets and thorns, show my feet the solid ground.
Give my soul peace and rest, while I am homeward bound.

Not Much...

Life is a roller coaster, many ups and downs, many turn-arounds. As sick as you or I may get, we keep going on, we keep moving forward as best we can. Yes, we will occasionally hit a pot hole and trip, but only so we can learn to get back up again and keep moving forward. Yes, we will occasionally get lost, but that's what friends and family are for, to help you find your way back home. We are human...I am only human, imperfect at best, but I keep moving forward toward God, my light at the end of the tunnel.

Blog

I have hurt the ones closest to me with things I posted here. Nothing can take back time or what I said. This is the end of blogging for me; I never wanted to hurt anyone and now I did something stupid.

Good bye.

Where am I? Where is God?

NOTE: This is going to be an intense blog and there will be a disclaimer below. If you are not prepared for any of this, STOP READING NOW (or after the disclaimer).

DISCLAIMER:
The following comes from the heart and mind of Andrew. It is not a dramatic re-enactment of anything or Andrew trying to get attention (that's pretty hard to do on Blogger), it is how he feels and his honest reflections upon his life and current chapter. There may/will be "questionable" language that is not suitable for young readers or the faint. If you do not wish to risk any serious mental/spiritual scaring, STOP READING NOW! Finally, Andrew would like to apologies to anyone who becomes: disappointed, hurt, crushed, shocked, betrayed or any number of negative reactions to this blog; it is not Andrew's intention for any of this, he just needs somewhere, some place to vent, process and let out what is clouding his head. Thank you.

Okay, all the legalities have been taken care of. Please know that I have no where else I feel I can go at 1 in the morning, so please, if you're concerned, email or call me; don't make any judgments without talking to me, please.

I'm lost. Lost in a world of deception, betrayers and pretenders. Lost in a place where I do not belong. Lost without a word from God...It pains me and brings me to tears to think this, but I haven't felt or heard from God in so long. I'm empty, begging to be filled and nothing...I hear nothing from anywhere. I pretend so well that sometimes I fool myself; I play a very convincing Christian; wanting to go to church and small group, enjoying worship and time of reflection, talking to God (praying). And from all of this, I haven't heard or felt God.

I feel like God is ignoring me so he can see what I would do.

It's not like I don't think God exists, I know he does! I have felt him before, I have heard him before! So why can't I now when I need him most?! Where is he?

I have so many holes in me that I want to be filled, I have so many wounds that I want to have healed, I have so many things that I want to change...BUT I CAN'T DO IT ON MY OWN! So naturally I turn to God, but now I can't find him. Someone please tell me what's going on! Why is getting harder for me to lose my feelings for her? Why is it getting harder for me to be a good person? Why is it getting harder for me to joyful? I don't want to be bitter or morbid, but I am! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER ANYMORE!!!

Is that too much to ask? Life is too hard to live with these feeling and no possibility of anything happening! And then to make things worse, I have absolutely nothing to do, to occupy me! Why is that bad? Well, for starters, I think a lot when I have nothing to do, and usually it's very pessimistic and negative towards me and my life, but generally very positive for everyone else. Why can't God show up and fill me up to the point where there is no room for her or anyone else? Why do I have such a passion for love, companionship and family? What's so wrong with me cutting everyone off and being a hermit? Is that too much to ask? I know that my plan is 98.3% not what God wants for me, but what is his plan? Because right now, my plan sounds like it might be easier, healthier and wiser.

I know some people I know would say that walking God's path for us isn't easy, "no one ever said it would be..." I KNOW! But I'm hurting too much to carry on and I can't feel God's presence; him just being here or helping me out.

I seriously want to leave everything and everyone I know and start over in like some unknown place where the only person that would hurt me would be me; there would be no one else around for me to form a connection to...Yes, I would be very lonely and the very thought of me being lonely makes me sick...But there would be less pain. How much pain to I have to bare before God will show up again?

PLEASE GOD, SHOW YOURSELF! Be here and help me. I have no one I can talk to. And lately, I've felt like you don't hear me or don't care. And that just goes against everything that I've ever experienced and learned. I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be empty, I don't want to feel bad or guilty for loving her.

I'm lost.

Confusion

Okay, I know that it’s been a while…I guess that because I can’t see who or how many people are reading these, I’m not always motivated to right as consistently as I did when I had MySpace. Oh well; I guess that just means that WHEN I get around to blogging, they will be that much better. Hahahah!

Anyway, who am I kidding? Who would read all of my drama?

Speaking of drama…

I’m confused again. Not because of a particular someone, but because of me. I have gone and confused myself with the notion that it may still happen, we may get together in the future, we may end up loving each other, we may end up married…and it just keeps going. But the fact of the matter is: WE’RE NOT! She and I will never get together, fall in love, get married or whatever because of one simple reason: I can’t wait; or something like that. There may actually be more than one reason, but that’s the big one.

I don’t think that I can be her friend and just wait to see if it happens. She is an amazing friend, but I can’t handle the feelings. I said it a couple of nights ago when I was talking with God, “I think I love her, but I don’t know how or why!” *Note: By “how,” I mean whether as a friend or like, “I could spend the rest of my life with you.”* God’s timing is perfect and mine is not…and considering the situation, I’m just going to screw this up no matter what I do. Either I keep perusing her while remaining her friend and exhausting every once of energy I have or I give up completely and become a dark and miserable man. To be perfectly honest, I think I’ll be miserable either way because there is no outlet for my feelings, my passion.

These last few weeks have been amazing! Just hanging out, helping her out, her helping me…She is just so amazing I have trouble focusing on anything when she is around. And I feel guilty for having these feelings and thinking this stuff and typing it out because she does not want to date anyone, whatsoever (meaning: it’s not God’s time for her and she knows it and is willing to wait). So by feeling this, and thinking it, I’m putting her in a situation that causes her to second guess what she believes or questions something else (who knows). I know it’s hard for her, I just wish I could put it behind me and not be hounded by it over and over and over again.

What is it with me anyway? I mean, who am I? Tonight, me, her and a friend went out to see “Walking the Line” and though I’m not a fan of Jonny Cash, I respect the man because he has such a dark side, but has dealt with it and grown/matured. He struggled and new that he had a good, good friend who would be there for him, he struggled to make it up to her and she struggled with him to help him overcome his problems. Anyway, watching the film reminded me a lot of me: there is a darkness inside of me that has such a grasp and place in my life, I don’t know who or where I would be without it, but at the same time I have this deep fascination with romance. It’s like this unbalanced thing inside of me.

I…I live in this dark and depressing place where nothing really scares me, but everything is frightening and unknown, but in the midst of all the chaos and shadows, there is a light; a place where I get along just fine with people in general, where I don’t shut down to others, where I can enjoy romance and even yearn for it. These two parts clash all the time and it’s starting to get on my nerves. Who am I? Am I that dark, sinister person who draws the glance of the crowd as I walk by, or am I a cheerful and friendly person who wants to help everyone be happier?

Can there be a balance? Can I be her friend and believe that there might be a chance? Are my feelings for her wishful thinking or is it real love? I don’t know, and I don’t think I will know until these next couple of chapters pass.

But for now, I must stay my course and be the best friend that I can be without compromising either her beliefs or mine.