'Tis the season...

A lot of people will be saying this phrase along with a plethora of others now that we've hit that Thanksgiving valley and head now right towards Christmas and New Years...

It's usually around this time that I get a little depressed for the usual reasons; I have no one special to share the holidays with, I'm not at the point in my career I planned on being at, I'm unable to bless others as much or as well as I would want...You know, the usual. I've never really told anyone this, but I really don't enjoy this time of year as much as I say I do. And I really think it's influenced by many things that happened as I grew up and then capped with more recent events.

For instance: Many a year ago, I think I was somewhere around the age of 12-13 ish and I could have sworn that I had been a good child throughout the year (I knew that was a stretch, but I had hope) and it turned out that everyone disagreed. It was the most miserable Christmas ever. Not too long after in my sophomore year of high school, my girlfriend broke up with me at our church youth group's New Year's Party. And of coarse now that I'm older, I look at what I planned for my life and compare to where I'm at now and I'm no where near it.

Part of this I have to admit is a good thing. I now know that, had things gone according to plan, I probably would not have graduated college.

So now I take account of my life this year and really try to discern what I'm genuinely thankful for, what I can be proud of and what I should work on...The results aren't pretty. Things I'm thankful for: Supportive parents; no matter what hole I put myself in, they believed in me and helped me when they could. A place to call my own; I spent close to 5 months without a place to live and it was excruciatingly miserable. A friend who will listen to my drama and help me deal with it. Things I can be proud of? To be honest, there's not that many if any at all. I've spent the majority of this year walking the line; spiritually, mentally,
financially and in my relationships. I have no foundation. Which leads into what I should work on. I need a center. I need to be secure in who I am. I need to surround myself with good people again. I had it once while I was at Vanguard, but now that I'm "out of the bubble" those I called family will have nothing to do with me.

It's sad really. It's like I've been contaminated by some unseen viral outbreak that causes that school and its students to quarantine themselves away from all that is outside. I feel so alone at this time of year. And to just rub it all in, I've got all the women in my family (mom, aunts, grandmas, etc.) telling me over and over again that I'm such a great person and that one day "she" will find me...I'm kinda sick of it. Why don't we just say that I'm single and let it stand at that. I mean seriously, I've been single for 6 years now and still no inkling of a sign of this mysterious "she"...

Goodness, am I touchy about that. Sorry...anyway. Suffice it to say that the holidays depress me and I really wish they didn't because I would love to be truly happy at this time of year.

Recent Thoughts...

So today I was at work at a very slow point in the day and I got to browsing my MySpace friends and something got me thinking…

What would you tell me if I asked you who your real, life-long friends were? I’m sure you would have a list of at least a few people, and to be honest with you, I have a list of my own. I figured it out today that my list was just cut in half…I guess it shouldn’t surprise me considering that I haven’t spent any time (other than email) with these people in four of five months; but still, there was a point in my life where I called these people family…we laughed, we lived, we loved.

My point is, we have these perceptions at this point in our life, and we know what we’re feeling now…but you never know for how long. And if you live on believing things are fine and dandy, it just hurts more when you realize the truth; that despite any effort by you, they don’t care enough to reciprocate the time/effort.

And the pain begins.
And the memories flow.
And the good time role.
And the images go black.

I think what makes it so hard for me is that either no one thought that I would want to know what was going on in their lives or I’ve been forgotten. Now, I realize that I may just be over-reacting, and I totally understand and might think/feel the same if I weren’t me, but I am me and there is no escaping that. It just hurts to see that my “family” and I have stopped being friends and fallen back to being acquaintances or just “someone I knew…”

A few years ago I went through something very similar to this; I blamed myself and barely survived. Now it just hurts down deep because I loved them and cherished their friendship. I just want the pain to stop.

Please don’t get me wrong; I’m glad to see that they’re happy with their lives. I just wish we were still family. So, if you have ever had a really close friend and stopped communicating for whatever reason, please don’t forget them when big things happen in your life. They will care and they do want to know.

I guess that’s it for now. I don’t hate anyone and I don’t mean to complain, I just needed to get it out so I can work through and get passed all of it so I can move on with my life and find my real life-long friends.

If my “family” is reading this, thank you for the good times, laughs and love. I miss you.