'Tis the season...

A lot of people will be saying this phrase along with a plethora of others now that we've hit that Thanksgiving valley and head now right towards Christmas and New Years...

It's usually around this time that I get a little depressed for the usual reasons; I have no one special to share the holidays with, I'm not at the point in my career I planned on being at, I'm unable to bless others as much or as well as I would want...You know, the usual. I've never really told anyone this, but I really don't enjoy this time of year as much as I say I do. And I really think it's influenced by many things that happened as I grew up and then capped with more recent events.

For instance: Many a year ago, I think I was somewhere around the age of 12-13 ish and I could have sworn that I had been a good child throughout the year (I knew that was a stretch, but I had hope) and it turned out that everyone disagreed. It was the most miserable Christmas ever. Not too long after in my sophomore year of high school, my girlfriend broke up with me at our church youth group's New Year's Party. And of coarse now that I'm older, I look at what I planned for my life and compare to where I'm at now and I'm no where near it.

Part of this I have to admit is a good thing. I now know that, had things gone according to plan, I probably would not have graduated college.

So now I take account of my life this year and really try to discern what I'm genuinely thankful for, what I can be proud of and what I should work on...The results aren't pretty. Things I'm thankful for: Supportive parents; no matter what hole I put myself in, they believed in me and helped me when they could. A place to call my own; I spent close to 5 months without a place to live and it was excruciatingly miserable. A friend who will listen to my drama and help me deal with it. Things I can be proud of? To be honest, there's not that many if any at all. I've spent the majority of this year walking the line; spiritually, mentally,
financially and in my relationships. I have no foundation. Which leads into what I should work on. I need a center. I need to be secure in who I am. I need to surround myself with good people again. I had it once while I was at Vanguard, but now that I'm "out of the bubble" those I called family will have nothing to do with me.

It's sad really. It's like I've been contaminated by some unseen viral outbreak that causes that school and its students to quarantine themselves away from all that is outside. I feel so alone at this time of year. And to just rub it all in, I've got all the women in my family (mom, aunts, grandmas, etc.) telling me over and over again that I'm such a great person and that one day "she" will find me...I'm kinda sick of it. Why don't we just say that I'm single and let it stand at that. I mean seriously, I've been single for 6 years now and still no inkling of a sign of this mysterious "she"...

Goodness, am I touchy about that. Sorry...anyway. Suffice it to say that the holidays depress me and I really wish they didn't because I would love to be truly happy at this time of year.