Okay, so life has been quite the trip this last week or so, but now I have to say that I think God has been there the entire time...funny how that happens, isn't it?
Anyway, with all that drama that's been going on, I've really come to appreciate the little time that I have where I can just unload to and upload from God. Kinda like now! Hahahah. Okay, so the purpose of this blog is simple: To share a prayer that I wrote that may or may not help you, but it has helped me. I wrote this a few months ago while spending a weekend in Big Bear away from civilization and it really does help me put into perspective my struggles and how I've come through them and grown and become who God wants me to be (so now I can be joyful in my sorrow).
So without further adu:
I thank you, God for this time away;
It truly is a gorgeous day.
I've been struggling, Lord for quite some time,
Trying to find this "place of mine."
Each day I live, each day I grow.
Each waking moment becomes so slow.
I'm so confused by what's said and done,
I'm not so sure if it's "good and fun."
Please show me, God where I need to be;
More than just under this tree.
Prepare my heart for what's ahead,
Let my spirit feel like it's been fed.
I pray you show me what to do,
Before I wake up and go back to school.
Amen
If you happen not to be in school or teach or whatever, you can insert the following instead of the last stanza if you like the whole rhyming prayer/poem thing: "I pray you help me get through this mirk, Before I wake up and go back to work." Enjoy and lates!
A!
Monday, November 21, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
Two amazing friends!
I have been having some really good conversations with a couple really close and good friends lately and I am just awe struck at how awesomely wise and amazing they both are. We...well, I guess I can't say "we"...I have been trying to understand and grasp all around what exactly God is showing me in my friendships with these women, and I think I can almost understand what it is that He wants me to see.
You see, I was talking with one of these amazing women the other night about my feelings and frustrations with my feelings towards someone and she just said the most awesome thing, that is pretty much what dawned on my in the shower a couple of weeks ago (I would enter a link to my MySpace blog where I blogged about it, but it no longer exists...). She said, "Maybe God put you with us (these two great friends) because He wants you to learn what is like to love a woman as a friend and nothing more...not trying to lead the relationship where you want it to go."
"HOLY POO!!" I know that it's pretty much re-worded from my thoughts from my other blog, but this is different, because I know that I'm not the only one struggling with this...I'm not the only one frustrated with this whole, "I'm attracted to you and you to me, but we can't do anything about it..." place; I'm not weird or anything. And to be perfectly honest, because I know that we both have times when we're just hard pressed about this matter, we BOTH are experiencing similar things...
Yes, we process it a bit differently and deal with it in our own ways...but, some how, in some sadistic way, it brings peace to know that she isn't perfect; that God is working on her too (which is just a weird concept, but a realistic one...long story, don't ask). Like it says in Romans 5 (which I just recently blogged about), "Let us rejoice in our sufferings, for we all know that suffering brings perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
I now see that without these times of awkwardness, or tension, we wouldn't be able to be such good and close friends now. Yeah, every now and then something might come up where we might be a little weird with each other, but once we talk about it and get it out in the open...we're right as rain! We are best friends...God has given me two great, best friends in these two women and I thank Him for them!
And now I see and thank Him for those tough times, for all those up-hill battles, because without them, I would as close to them as I am, nor would I be who I am today. Praise God for my hard times! (Does that sound a bit strange? It does to me, but oh well, I don't care!) God just keeps bringing me new surprises for each chapter of my story. It truly is exciting!
You see, I was talking with one of these amazing women the other night about my feelings and frustrations with my feelings towards someone and she just said the most awesome thing, that is pretty much what dawned on my in the shower a couple of weeks ago (I would enter a link to my MySpace blog where I blogged about it, but it no longer exists...). She said, "Maybe God put you with us (these two great friends) because He wants you to learn what is like to love a woman as a friend and nothing more...not trying to lead the relationship where you want it to go."
"HOLY POO!!" I know that it's pretty much re-worded from my thoughts from my other blog, but this is different, because I know that I'm not the only one struggling with this...I'm not the only one frustrated with this whole, "I'm attracted to you and you to me, but we can't do anything about it..." place; I'm not weird or anything. And to be perfectly honest, because I know that we both have times when we're just hard pressed about this matter, we BOTH are experiencing similar things...
Yes, we process it a bit differently and deal with it in our own ways...but, some how, in some sadistic way, it brings peace to know that she isn't perfect; that God is working on her too (which is just a weird concept, but a realistic one...long story, don't ask). Like it says in Romans 5 (which I just recently blogged about), "Let us rejoice in our sufferings, for we all know that suffering brings perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
I now see that without these times of awkwardness, or tension, we wouldn't be able to be such good and close friends now. Yeah, every now and then something might come up where we might be a little weird with each other, but once we talk about it and get it out in the open...we're right as rain! We are best friends...God has given me two great, best friends in these two women and I thank Him for them!
And now I see and thank Him for those tough times, for all those up-hill battles, because without them, I would as close to them as I am, nor would I be who I am today. Praise God for my hard times! (Does that sound a bit strange? It does to me, but oh well, I don't care!) God just keeps bringing me new surprises for each chapter of my story. It truly is exciting!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Joy in Suffering
Okay, it’s just totally weird some of the stuff that just pops right in front of you when reading the Bible. Like on Sunday at Shark Club (Rock Harbor for those of you who don’t attend this church), we were talking about sex and sexuality from the perspective of marriage, and anyway, we were going over Ephesians 5:21-28 and go figure…our English translation doesn’t really fit the Greek! Oh, well you know, that’s getting a bit off topic from where I wanted to go; the point being that concept can kind of just jump out at you from out of no where.
Back on topic (great transition, huh?), I was reading my Bible today when something hit me…a footnote! I love footnotes (especially when writing a 50 page paper)!
Take a moment and read Romans 5:1-11…If you don’t have your bibles with you, here you go:
“1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, weD have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And weD rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but weD also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
Okay, I know it’s only 1-5, but that’s a lot to type…
Anyway, notice how there are little footnotes in verses 1, 2, and 3. Let me show you what the footnote says, “D1,2,3 Or let us” Meaning, try replacing “we” with “let us” because some translations use “let us” instead of “we.”
You try it. Go on, replace the “we”s with the footnote with “let us” and you might just be surprised at the change in meaning.
…Well…Did you see or feel it? If not, that’s okay, because I’m going to explain it anyway.
Every time I read this passage before today (once or twice recently I think), I always understood it to be something that comes normal for “true” Christians…It’s normal and natural for a Christian to have peace with God, it’s normal for a Christian to rejoice in the glory of God, and it’s normal for a Christian to rejoice in their suffering. HA! I must not be a Christian then, because there are many times when I’m not at peace with God, nor do I hardly ever rejoice in my suffering!
It seems to come across as a normal and natural thing because when it was translated, those who translated decided to use “we”. Why is that such a big deal? Well because the word “we” is very selective and has the tendency to include some, but not all. Where as the term, “let us” is extremely inclusive to anybody because it’s saying, “come and let us be together in this, united…all.”
Such a huge difference! I now feel that the three point that Paul is making in these few verses is now, “Hey, we get to have peace with God (it does not come natural, but we get the opportunity); we get to rejoice in the HOPE of God’s grace (it’s doesn’t come naturally, but we get the opportunity); we GET to rejoice in our suffering (it in NO way comes naturally, but we GET to!)!”
I mean holy crap! I get to rejoice in my suffering? Isn’t that just a bit masochistic? Honestly, I don’t think so, at least in the context that Paul is writing, “suffering produces character; and character, hope.” So, if we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that afterward we will be changed for the better, or we will have a new understanding, then it is very possible to be joyous for times of suffering.
But then does that mean that we should try to be happy about our hard times? This I’m not totally sold on because I know that it is possible to “joyful” and not happy at the same time. For instance, say an amazingly close, Christian friend of yours died. Yes, you’re distraught that they’re gone and sad for your loss and others’ loss, but at the same time you know that they are with the creator of the universe! And that’s a joyful thought.
So, are we called to be happy about our tough times? I still don’t know, because if we don’t put the effort into trying to be happy or joyful in our time of sorrow or suffering, then it becomes that much easier to fall into a depressing slump where you become depressed, miserable and in essence, not yourself (well, for most people, but I’m generally pretty dark and depressing by nature...I think it’s just part of who I am).
Are there any down sides to wanting/trying/succeeding at being happy during your time of suffering? I think there are, believe it or not. If you put so much effort into showing/displaying a different person than what’s going on, then you become fake to the world and those around you. This can actually become habit forming because then you realize that, maybe more people like this pretend you, and so then you start “being” that person more often. You begin to hide the trouble, the sorrow, the pain so much that it just keeps building up in side of you to the point where you don’t know which way is up and you don’t care because you would rather die than carry on. Sorry, there’s a bit of me for those of you who were wondering why I know this…feeling…state…framework so well. I used to be there heavily, and occasionally visit it.
So, one would think that there has to be some kind of middle ground, right? I don’t know. If there is, would someone please share it.
The point of this is…we CAN and GET to be joyful about our pain, suffering, sorrow and time of being down trodden because we know, beyond a shadow of doubt that in the end, we will be who God wants us to be; we will be better people; we will be better “Christians” (whatever that means).
No one ever said that Christianity was easy to live out, or easy to understand…but we know that it is rough at times and most of all…we know the outcome. WE WIN!
I guess that’s it for now, I think I’ve said everything that I wanted to say…Sorry it’s so long, it just sometimes takes me a while to process some of this stuff and really understand it. Well, I guess I shall now leave you to do what you want…Adios.
Back on topic (great transition, huh?), I was reading my Bible today when something hit me…a footnote! I love footnotes (especially when writing a 50 page paper)!
Take a moment and read Romans 5:1-11…If you don’t have your bibles with you, here you go:
“1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, weD have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And weD rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but weD also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
Okay, I know it’s only 1-5, but that’s a lot to type…
Anyway, notice how there are little footnotes in verses 1, 2, and 3. Let me show you what the footnote says, “D1,2,3 Or let us” Meaning, try replacing “we” with “let us” because some translations use “let us” instead of “we.”
You try it. Go on, replace the “we”s with the footnote with “let us” and you might just be surprised at the change in meaning.
…Well…Did you see or feel it? If not, that’s okay, because I’m going to explain it anyway.
Every time I read this passage before today (once or twice recently I think), I always understood it to be something that comes normal for “true” Christians…It’s normal and natural for a Christian to have peace with God, it’s normal for a Christian to rejoice in the glory of God, and it’s normal for a Christian to rejoice in their suffering. HA! I must not be a Christian then, because there are many times when I’m not at peace with God, nor do I hardly ever rejoice in my suffering!
It seems to come across as a normal and natural thing because when it was translated, those who translated decided to use “we”. Why is that such a big deal? Well because the word “we” is very selective and has the tendency to include some, but not all. Where as the term, “let us” is extremely inclusive to anybody because it’s saying, “come and let us be together in this, united…all.”
Such a huge difference! I now feel that the three point that Paul is making in these few verses is now, “Hey, we get to have peace with God (it does not come natural, but we get the opportunity); we get to rejoice in the HOPE of God’s grace (it’s doesn’t come naturally, but we get the opportunity); we GET to rejoice in our suffering (it in NO way comes naturally, but we GET to!)!”
I mean holy crap! I get to rejoice in my suffering? Isn’t that just a bit masochistic? Honestly, I don’t think so, at least in the context that Paul is writing, “suffering produces character; and character, hope.” So, if we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that afterward we will be changed for the better, or we will have a new understanding, then it is very possible to be joyous for times of suffering.
But then does that mean that we should try to be happy about our hard times? This I’m not totally sold on because I know that it is possible to “joyful” and not happy at the same time. For instance, say an amazingly close, Christian friend of yours died. Yes, you’re distraught that they’re gone and sad for your loss and others’ loss, but at the same time you know that they are with the creator of the universe! And that’s a joyful thought.
So, are we called to be happy about our tough times? I still don’t know, because if we don’t put the effort into trying to be happy or joyful in our time of sorrow or suffering, then it becomes that much easier to fall into a depressing slump where you become depressed, miserable and in essence, not yourself (well, for most people, but I’m generally pretty dark and depressing by nature...I think it’s just part of who I am).
Are there any down sides to wanting/trying/succeeding at being happy during your time of suffering? I think there are, believe it or not. If you put so much effort into showing/displaying a different person than what’s going on, then you become fake to the world and those around you. This can actually become habit forming because then you realize that, maybe more people like this pretend you, and so then you start “being” that person more often. You begin to hide the trouble, the sorrow, the pain so much that it just keeps building up in side of you to the point where you don’t know which way is up and you don’t care because you would rather die than carry on. Sorry, there’s a bit of me for those of you who were wondering why I know this…feeling…state…framework so well. I used to be there heavily, and occasionally visit it.
So, one would think that there has to be some kind of middle ground, right? I don’t know. If there is, would someone please share it.
The point of this is…we CAN and GET to be joyful about our pain, suffering, sorrow and time of being down trodden because we know, beyond a shadow of doubt that in the end, we will be who God wants us to be; we will be better people; we will be better “Christians” (whatever that means).
No one ever said that Christianity was easy to live out, or easy to understand…but we know that it is rough at times and most of all…we know the outcome. WE WIN!
I guess that’s it for now, I think I’ve said everything that I wanted to say…Sorry it’s so long, it just sometimes takes me a while to process some of this stuff and really understand it. Well, I guess I shall now leave you to do what you want…Adios.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Marriage
Okay, wow, I went to an amazing service tonight!
We've been talking about sex and sexuality for the last 5 weeks in church and it's just been amazing! This being the fifth week, we were talking about sex and sexuality from the marriage perspective, and it was eye opening.
I always knew that there was some kind of theology behind marriage and knew that God had created it with intent, but never had I given it all that much thought...mainly because I am no where near, what I would say is ready, or experienced with marriage. The most experience I have is from observing my parents, aunts and uncles, and now in these last couple chapters my friends who have married. So, I'm no authority and so therefore a lot of what I say may be old to you, the reader, but it's very new and amazing to me...so bare with me.
Okay, let's start with this idea of the "Theology of Marriage." What did God intend for marriage? Why did he create it? Well, there are actually several answers to this question, but they ALL fall under the following idea: Marriage always points to something bigger.
Okay, so what's that mean?
Well, for one it means that there are forces, or ties, or SOMETHING that is above us that can pull two people together and fuel their love for 50, 60 or even 80+ years! There has to be something bigger than us, otherwise we wouldn't be able to last that long; we'd end up killing each other if there wasn't.
Okay, why else is there a theology for marriage? Well, in Genesis 2 when Adam names his partner "woman," he declares that because, "she is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone...a man will leave his parents to be with his wife...and the two will become one flesh." This is one of the only passages that talk about two people becoming one...and go figure, it's a similar concept to God being three-in-one! Could it be that marriage and sex resemble God when it is between a husband and wife? I think so!
Another thing about marriage, the Bible begins with marriage and ENDS with marriage too! I never noticed or thought about this, but it's true. Genesis 2 opens the Bible with marriage and Revelation 19 and 21 end the Bible with marriage.
In Revelation 19: 6-9, John talks about a cry from the heavens he heard, "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be gblad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready...Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!'" Okay, so obviously the "Lamb" is Christ and the bride, guess what, is the church. So WOW, a wedding that will put the Church and Christ together forever!
Revelation 21: 2 talks about how the new Jerusalem descends down "from God dressed as a beautiful bride for her husband." Again, symbolism for the church and Christ.
Let's not forget the other 20-30 passages like, Isaiah 62: 3-5 or Hosea 2: 14-17 or Jeremiah 3:8 or Matthew 9:14-15 or Matthew 22: 1-3 or Matthew 25: 1...and many, many more.
Okay, so now that we have a handle on the theology of marriage, why is there a theology? Well, God ordained marriage and sexuality for a specific reason, I believe: So God has a language or method to show and tell us His passion and love for us. Is that hard to grasp? It was at first for me, and then I started thinking about it and it totally makes sense! In what other aspect of life is God able to communicate to use His community, his union with his church?
Okay, and another thing! (Marriage is just HUGE!) God always gave us signs or symbols to remember His promises and props right? Right, for the flood, He gave us rainbows; for the promise to Abraham, he gave us circumcision; for His death, he gave us the wafer and wine. Well, Jesus used marriage as a prop in many of His teachings and in the beginning through Adam made the promise of the union and, therefore, He gave us a sign...SEX! Sex is what unites the two into one. Sex is what God gave us to remember His union and His relationship with us, the church.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, because it's getting quite late...So for that reason (and this is amounting to an extremely long blog...I call it, "Isjami-blogging") I will end this blog, and continue on the thoughts and misunderstanding of Ephesians 5...Yup, that will have to wait for another blog.
We've been talking about sex and sexuality for the last 5 weeks in church and it's just been amazing! This being the fifth week, we were talking about sex and sexuality from the marriage perspective, and it was eye opening.
I always knew that there was some kind of theology behind marriage and knew that God had created it with intent, but never had I given it all that much thought...mainly because I am no where near, what I would say is ready, or experienced with marriage. The most experience I have is from observing my parents, aunts and uncles, and now in these last couple chapters my friends who have married. So, I'm no authority and so therefore a lot of what I say may be old to you, the reader, but it's very new and amazing to me...so bare with me.
Okay, let's start with this idea of the "Theology of Marriage." What did God intend for marriage? Why did he create it? Well, there are actually several answers to this question, but they ALL fall under the following idea: Marriage always points to something bigger.
Okay, so what's that mean?
Well, for one it means that there are forces, or ties, or SOMETHING that is above us that can pull two people together and fuel their love for 50, 60 or even 80+ years! There has to be something bigger than us, otherwise we wouldn't be able to last that long; we'd end up killing each other if there wasn't.
Okay, why else is there a theology for marriage? Well, in Genesis 2 when Adam names his partner "woman," he declares that because, "she is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone...a man will leave his parents to be with his wife...and the two will become one flesh." This is one of the only passages that talk about two people becoming one...and go figure, it's a similar concept to God being three-in-one! Could it be that marriage and sex resemble God when it is between a husband and wife? I think so!
Another thing about marriage, the Bible begins with marriage and ENDS with marriage too! I never noticed or thought about this, but it's true. Genesis 2 opens the Bible with marriage and Revelation 19 and 21 end the Bible with marriage.
In Revelation 19: 6-9, John talks about a cry from the heavens he heard, "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be gblad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready...Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!'" Okay, so obviously the "Lamb" is Christ and the bride, guess what, is the church. So WOW, a wedding that will put the Church and Christ together forever!
Revelation 21: 2 talks about how the new Jerusalem descends down "from God dressed as a beautiful bride for her husband." Again, symbolism for the church and Christ.
Let's not forget the other 20-30 passages like, Isaiah 62: 3-5 or Hosea 2: 14-17 or Jeremiah 3:8 or Matthew 9:14-15 or Matthew 22: 1-3 or Matthew 25: 1...and many, many more.
Okay, so now that we have a handle on the theology of marriage, why is there a theology? Well, God ordained marriage and sexuality for a specific reason, I believe: So God has a language or method to show and tell us His passion and love for us. Is that hard to grasp? It was at first for me, and then I started thinking about it and it totally makes sense! In what other aspect of life is God able to communicate to use His community, his union with his church?
Okay, and another thing! (Marriage is just HUGE!) God always gave us signs or symbols to remember His promises and props right? Right, for the flood, He gave us rainbows; for the promise to Abraham, he gave us circumcision; for His death, he gave us the wafer and wine. Well, Jesus used marriage as a prop in many of His teachings and in the beginning through Adam made the promise of the union and, therefore, He gave us a sign...SEX! Sex is what unites the two into one. Sex is what God gave us to remember His union and His relationship with us, the church.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, because it's getting quite late...So for that reason (and this is amounting to an extremely long blog...I call it, "Isjami-blogging") I will end this blog, and continue on the thoughts and misunderstanding of Ephesians 5...Yup, that will have to wait for another blog.
Something I posted a while ago...
Okay, so I posted this about a week ago or so, and I just totally feel that it's still relavent to my life now, but this time, I have a better understanding of what's going on...
"God has an interesting way or rather an interesting method in choosing where and when one dawns upon a revelation.
For those of you who I’ve not been talking with, I’ve been trying to work through a few different issues in my life ranging from relationships to what my purpose is here (in life and in Costa Mesa). It’s been a very rocky road (not the ice cream).
But anyway, now that the recap is done…I know, it wasn’t much of a recap, I’m sorry. Alright, now I know that if I carry on without defining a couple of the terms I know I’m going to use or make it understood that this is a blog about my story, in this chapter that may not have anything to do with anyone else, I’ll be in a world of hurt because several people out there will misunderstand and not very many, if any of them will seek to discover the truth about what I feel.
First: I will be using the term “lovers.” When I say this, I am not talking about two people who are having sex. I use the word purely for the romantic and intimate meaning set by the Song of Solomon. In other words, two people in a romantic relationship that doesn’t include sex because, thank God, I’m not having nor ready for sex.
Second: Intimacy is something a lot of people throw the “taboo” card on (similar to sex) because it’s so closely associated with sex. However, intimacy is NOT limited to sex or sexual situations. Best friends can be intimate with each other on a non-sexual level. Intimacy is just the sharing and/or exposing of one’s soul to another. This is the sense of the word that I’m referring to.
ANYWAY! I have stumbled upon a concept that applies to my life at this time that is just boggling my mind: Right now, in this chapter of my life, love between friends is more important, more beneficial (?), better for me (?) than love between lovers. I’ve been splitting my self in two trying to find my place in both where I’m at and who I’m with.
Part of me has really been missing the community that was at my fingertips when I lived on campus as a student. I miss being able to just walk down the hall and having a good discussion with a friend, or playing a game of Risk or Chess, or watching a movie. Everything was tight, but now that I’m off campus and living with a friend and not very many people with in a close proximity that I can go and just barge in to their place…
However, the other part of me has been longing and searching for that special someone who I could spend time doing anything, from talking seriously to just having fun going to Boomers or something. Where we don’t even have to be doing anything except enjoying each other’s presence. A relationship that is so deep and intimate that we wouldn’t be able to imagine life without the other person.
So what does God do…well, okay, let me rephrase…So what to I do to process this? I get angry and pissed off with my friends, for those I’ve created community with because “they are denying me love between lovers. And then I feel guilty because they really haven’t done anything to wrong me, so then I get angry with myself and want to disappear into my dark place where I can live in self pity depression; hiding from those who care. And now that I’m angry with myself, I get angry at God because no human likes to blame themselves for too long, so we look for another outlet and in my case I try to find someway to blame God. As foolhardy as this is, it’s true.
All this happened last night, just to let you know…So I went to bed angry (and had some gnarly dreams too) and when I woke up to get ready for one of my friend’s wedding, I was standing there in the shower of all places still thinking and trying to reason my way around things when God unveiled my eyes…I need community now more than I need romantic intimacy. Now this is all a lot to process, so please bare with me because I’m still trying to fully understand it.
I have this very deep passion for family, parenthood and love; I pray for these things everyday (not necessarily that I get them that day, but rather that God lead me to a place, to a chapter where I have them). These feelings/ideas/places in life bring me joy, mainly because I want to be like God and these things bring us fallible humans closer to God and closer to being “God-like.” For instance, God is three in one; well in marriage, when the man and wife have sex, they become two in one. “Two fleshes, but one soul.” How AMAZING is that!?
I don’t know any of this for sure or claim it with experience (I have none), but rather from discussions with those who do/have and through some very intense sermons. I pray that God would bless my friends with joy and happiness, whether he uses me or not. I just want to see them happy. I love this community, and I need to embrace this love amongst friends as a gift from God for this chapter of my life. And again I find myself waiting for God’s timing in finding the love of lovers."
Maybe this will help someone out or maybe someone can help me out...We'll see.
"God has an interesting way or rather an interesting method in choosing where and when one dawns upon a revelation.
For those of you who I’ve not been talking with, I’ve been trying to work through a few different issues in my life ranging from relationships to what my purpose is here (in life and in Costa Mesa). It’s been a very rocky road (not the ice cream).
But anyway, now that the recap is done…I know, it wasn’t much of a recap, I’m sorry. Alright, now I know that if I carry on without defining a couple of the terms I know I’m going to use or make it understood that this is a blog about my story, in this chapter that may not have anything to do with anyone else, I’ll be in a world of hurt because several people out there will misunderstand and not very many, if any of them will seek to discover the truth about what I feel.
First: I will be using the term “lovers.” When I say this, I am not talking about two people who are having sex. I use the word purely for the romantic and intimate meaning set by the Song of Solomon. In other words, two people in a romantic relationship that doesn’t include sex because, thank God, I’m not having nor ready for sex.
Second: Intimacy is something a lot of people throw the “taboo” card on (similar to sex) because it’s so closely associated with sex. However, intimacy is NOT limited to sex or sexual situations. Best friends can be intimate with each other on a non-sexual level. Intimacy is just the sharing and/or exposing of one’s soul to another. This is the sense of the word that I’m referring to.
ANYWAY! I have stumbled upon a concept that applies to my life at this time that is just boggling my mind: Right now, in this chapter of my life, love between friends is more important, more beneficial (?), better for me (?) than love between lovers. I’ve been splitting my self in two trying to find my place in both where I’m at and who I’m with.
Part of me has really been missing the community that was at my fingertips when I lived on campus as a student. I miss being able to just walk down the hall and having a good discussion with a friend, or playing a game of Risk or Chess, or watching a movie. Everything was tight, but now that I’m off campus and living with a friend and not very many people with in a close proximity that I can go and just barge in to their place…
However, the other part of me has been longing and searching for that special someone who I could spend time doing anything, from talking seriously to just having fun going to Boomers or something. Where we don’t even have to be doing anything except enjoying each other’s presence. A relationship that is so deep and intimate that we wouldn’t be able to imagine life without the other person.
So what does God do…well, okay, let me rephrase…So what to I do to process this? I get angry and pissed off with my friends, for those I’ve created community with because “they are denying me love between lovers. And then I feel guilty because they really haven’t done anything to wrong me, so then I get angry with myself and want to disappear into my dark place where I can live in self pity depression; hiding from those who care. And now that I’m angry with myself, I get angry at God because no human likes to blame themselves for too long, so we look for another outlet and in my case I try to find someway to blame God. As foolhardy as this is, it’s true.
All this happened last night, just to let you know…So I went to bed angry (and had some gnarly dreams too) and when I woke up to get ready for one of my friend’s wedding, I was standing there in the shower of all places still thinking and trying to reason my way around things when God unveiled my eyes…I need community now more than I need romantic intimacy. Now this is all a lot to process, so please bare with me because I’m still trying to fully understand it.
I have this very deep passion for family, parenthood and love; I pray for these things everyday (not necessarily that I get them that day, but rather that God lead me to a place, to a chapter where I have them). These feelings/ideas/places in life bring me joy, mainly because I want to be like God and these things bring us fallible humans closer to God and closer to being “God-like.” For instance, God is three in one; well in marriage, when the man and wife have sex, they become two in one. “Two fleshes, but one soul.” How AMAZING is that!?
I don’t know any of this for sure or claim it with experience (I have none), but rather from discussions with those who do/have and through some very intense sermons. I pray that God would bless my friends with joy and happiness, whether he uses me or not. I just want to see them happy. I love this community, and I need to embrace this love amongst friends as a gift from God for this chapter of my life. And again I find myself waiting for God’s timing in finding the love of lovers."
Maybe this will help someone out or maybe someone can help me out...We'll see.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
New Blog Site
Alright everyone. This is my first post with Blogger.com, so it may take some time to adjust from MySpace.com.
Yes, for those of you who were wondering, I am turning away from MySpace.com. Why? For reasons that are my own. So, now that I'm here, you might as well sit down and enjoy my blogs.
So, I have been noticing that I tend to create drama around my life. I will take something (a situation in life or a relationship) and build it into this weaving web of confussion that makes me dizzy when I am not occupied by work or friends. I've been thinking lately of my recent drama with a certain lady friend of mine and our little bit of history, and well...I'm upset about it. I am upset that nothing happened, I am upset that my best friend (this lady friend of mine) and my roommate spend so much time together (more than me and her anyway) and I'm upset that I am upset with them.
I'm telling you, if you were to spend a week in my shoes, you would all go nuts.
Unfortunately, I'm still trying to work through this, so I am unable to be some source of wisdom or beacon for anyone...I'm just as imperfect and falable as anyone else (if not more so). Keep me in your prayers please.
Lates!
Yes, for those of you who were wondering, I am turning away from MySpace.com. Why? For reasons that are my own. So, now that I'm here, you might as well sit down and enjoy my blogs.
So, I have been noticing that I tend to create drama around my life. I will take something (a situation in life or a relationship) and build it into this weaving web of confussion that makes me dizzy when I am not occupied by work or friends. I've been thinking lately of my recent drama with a certain lady friend of mine and our little bit of history, and well...I'm upset about it. I am upset that nothing happened, I am upset that my best friend (this lady friend of mine) and my roommate spend so much time together (more than me and her anyway) and I'm upset that I am upset with them.
I'm telling you, if you were to spend a week in my shoes, you would all go nuts.
Unfortunately, I'm still trying to work through this, so I am unable to be some source of wisdom or beacon for anyone...I'm just as imperfect and falable as anyone else (if not more so). Keep me in your prayers please.
Lates!
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