Something I posted a while ago...

Okay, so I posted this about a week ago or so, and I just totally feel that it's still relavent to my life now, but this time, I have a better understanding of what's going on...

"God has an interesting way or rather an interesting method in choosing where and when one dawns upon a revelation.

For those of you who I’ve not been talking with, I’ve been trying to work through a few different issues in my life ranging from relationships to what my purpose is here (in life and in Costa Mesa). It’s been a very rocky road (not the ice cream).

But anyway, now that the recap is done…I know, it wasn’t much of a recap, I’m sorry. Alright, now I know that if I carry on without defining a couple of the terms I know I’m going to use or make it understood that this is a blog about my story, in this chapter that may not have anything to do with anyone else, I’ll be in a world of hurt because several people out there will misunderstand and not very many, if any of them will seek to discover the truth about what I feel.

First: I will be using the term “lovers.” When I say this, I am not talking about two people who are having sex. I use the word purely for the romantic and intimate meaning set by the Song of Solomon. In other words, two people in a romantic relationship that doesn’t include sex because, thank God, I’m not having nor ready for sex.

Second: Intimacy is something a lot of people throw the “taboo” card on (similar to sex) because it’s so closely associated with sex. However, intimacy is NOT limited to sex or sexual situations. Best friends can be intimate with each other on a non-sexual level. Intimacy is just the sharing and/or exposing of one’s soul to another. This is the sense of the word that I’m referring to.

ANYWAY! I have stumbled upon a concept that applies to my life at this time that is just boggling my mind: Right now, in this chapter of my life, love between friends is more important, more beneficial (?), better for me (?) than love between lovers. I’ve been splitting my self in two trying to find my place in both where I’m at and who I’m with.

Part of me has really been missing the community that was at my fingertips when I lived on campus as a student. I miss being able to just walk down the hall and having a good discussion with a friend, or playing a game of Risk or Chess, or watching a movie. Everything was tight, but now that I’m off campus and living with a friend and not very many people with in a close proximity that I can go and just barge in to their place…

However, the other part of me has been longing and searching for that special someone who I could spend time doing anything, from talking seriously to just having fun going to Boomers or something. Where we don’t even have to be doing anything except enjoying each other’s presence. A relationship that is so deep and intimate that we wouldn’t be able to imagine life without the other person.

So what does God do…well, okay, let me rephrase…So what to I do to process this? I get angry and pissed off with my friends, for those I’ve created community with because “they are denying me love between lovers. And then I feel guilty because they really haven’t done anything to wrong me, so then I get angry with myself and want to disappear into my dark place where I can live in self pity depression; hiding from those who care. And now that I’m angry with myself, I get angry at God because no human likes to blame themselves for too long, so we look for another outlet and in my case I try to find someway to blame God. As foolhardy as this is, it’s true.

All this happened last night, just to let you know…So I went to bed angry (and had some gnarly dreams too) and when I woke up to get ready for one of my friend’s wedding, I was standing there in the shower of all places still thinking and trying to reason my way around things when God unveiled my eyes…I need community now more than I need romantic intimacy. Now this is all a lot to process, so please bare with me because I’m still trying to fully understand it.

I have this very deep passion for family, parenthood and love; I pray for these things everyday (not necessarily that I get them that day, but rather that God lead me to a place, to a chapter where I have them). These feelings/ideas/places in life bring me joy, mainly because I want to be like God and these things bring us fallible humans closer to God and closer to being “God-like.” For instance, God is three in one; well in marriage, when the man and wife have sex, they become two in one. “Two fleshes, but one soul.” How AMAZING is that!?

I don’t know any of this for sure or claim it with experience (I have none), but rather from discussions with those who do/have and through some very intense sermons. I pray that God would bless my friends with joy and happiness, whether he uses me or not. I just want to see them happy. I love this community, and I need to embrace this love amongst friends as a gift from God for this chapter of my life. And again I find myself waiting for God’s timing in finding the love of lovers."

Maybe this will help someone out or maybe someone can help me out...We'll see.