Confusion

Okay, I know that it’s been a while…I guess that because I can’t see who or how many people are reading these, I’m not always motivated to right as consistently as I did when I had MySpace. Oh well; I guess that just means that WHEN I get around to blogging, they will be that much better. Hahahah!

Anyway, who am I kidding? Who would read all of my drama?

Speaking of drama…

I’m confused again. Not because of a particular someone, but because of me. I have gone and confused myself with the notion that it may still happen, we may get together in the future, we may end up loving each other, we may end up married…and it just keeps going. But the fact of the matter is: WE’RE NOT! She and I will never get together, fall in love, get married or whatever because of one simple reason: I can’t wait; or something like that. There may actually be more than one reason, but that’s the big one.

I don’t think that I can be her friend and just wait to see if it happens. She is an amazing friend, but I can’t handle the feelings. I said it a couple of nights ago when I was talking with God, “I think I love her, but I don’t know how or why!” *Note: By “how,” I mean whether as a friend or like, “I could spend the rest of my life with you.”* God’s timing is perfect and mine is not…and considering the situation, I’m just going to screw this up no matter what I do. Either I keep perusing her while remaining her friend and exhausting every once of energy I have or I give up completely and become a dark and miserable man. To be perfectly honest, I think I’ll be miserable either way because there is no outlet for my feelings, my passion.

These last few weeks have been amazing! Just hanging out, helping her out, her helping me…She is just so amazing I have trouble focusing on anything when she is around. And I feel guilty for having these feelings and thinking this stuff and typing it out because she does not want to date anyone, whatsoever (meaning: it’s not God’s time for her and she knows it and is willing to wait). So by feeling this, and thinking it, I’m putting her in a situation that causes her to second guess what she believes or questions something else (who knows). I know it’s hard for her, I just wish I could put it behind me and not be hounded by it over and over and over again.

What is it with me anyway? I mean, who am I? Tonight, me, her and a friend went out to see “Walking the Line” and though I’m not a fan of Jonny Cash, I respect the man because he has such a dark side, but has dealt with it and grown/matured. He struggled and new that he had a good, good friend who would be there for him, he struggled to make it up to her and she struggled with him to help him overcome his problems. Anyway, watching the film reminded me a lot of me: there is a darkness inside of me that has such a grasp and place in my life, I don’t know who or where I would be without it, but at the same time I have this deep fascination with romance. It’s like this unbalanced thing inside of me.

I…I live in this dark and depressing place where nothing really scares me, but everything is frightening and unknown, but in the midst of all the chaos and shadows, there is a light; a place where I get along just fine with people in general, where I don’t shut down to others, where I can enjoy romance and even yearn for it. These two parts clash all the time and it’s starting to get on my nerves. Who am I? Am I that dark, sinister person who draws the glance of the crowd as I walk by, or am I a cheerful and friendly person who wants to help everyone be happier?

Can there be a balance? Can I be her friend and believe that there might be a chance? Are my feelings for her wishful thinking or is it real love? I don’t know, and I don’t think I will know until these next couple of chapters pass.

But for now, I must stay my course and be the best friend that I can be without compromising either her beliefs or mine.