Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

You know, lately I've been doing whatever it takes to try to put things back to the way they used to be. I've been trying to put myself in the place I was at almost a year ago...Is that bad? Okay, that's a bit of an unfair question because I'm not trying to get exactly where I was, but in about the same place so I can move on...move on with my life.

I see myself trying to mend friendships and put myself in similar situations...but yet I want to move beyond where I was and see what I should have seen last May. I've got my resume all made up, I'm working on an updated and decent demo reel, and not to mention a graphic design portfolio and web page!

I don't know why, but it just feels awkward...I feel like I'm not being totally me, but I be me, would that put me in the same spot I was in a year ago, or would I have wizened up a bit?

I hate doubt and second guessing...I do it to myself all the time, and I've been working quitting that habit, but no luck so far...

I'm such a coward...I see my peers and friends moving on in life and just living without showing any fear. And here I am cowering in the security net of Vanguard. I know I need to do my own thing, but nothing and I do mean NOTHING has ever scared me so much. As long as I can remember, I've had some form of security with each step; I went to Vanguard because my brother came here and I knew I could get in with his friends until I was comfortable, I was a Comm major because I knew that it was an easy major, I work at Vanguard because I know the people and know that it's security (without benefits mind you). But going out to start a career is such a risk because I don't really have any "professional" experience and I'm really not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I'm a mess.

...

And yet God still has a plan for me, he still wants me to stick around for some purpose. It's comforting to know that you're needed, almost relaxing...to have a purpose, whether I know what it is or not, there is a purpose. I feel a bit at ease thinking/feeling that God can take my mess and have a purpose for it; I have purpose.

Funny little detour...You know...I always thought my purpose would be to get married and have a family and I know that I'm still young and have plenty of life left, but I've been single for close to 6 years now and I have been feeling discouraged that I don't have a girlfriend or even dating someone...but I was in a friend's office today and a couple other colleagues were talking about sexuality, sex and singleness (because we all happened to be single) and one of the most profound things was said about singleness..."Don't celebrate singleness, celebrate life! Being single is just a social state I am in, it is not what defines me." And I thought, 'wow, that's so profound!' Think about it, so many Christians these days are saying, "celebrate your singleness" but what does that mean? Well gee, if you're celebrating it, you're not really open to anything else, so while you're celebrating, what if God brings you the person you're to marry, but you're so caught up in your singleness you miss out? That's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.

So my being single should not get me down, nor should I start ranting and raving about the greatness of being single...Both singleness and couple-ness are blessings from God! After hearing this and thinking about it, I feel quite a bit better about my being single for just about 6 years. Ha hah, but that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to another 6; if I date, I date, if not...oh well.

Okay, that's enough out of me...