Wow! I'm such a geek! :)
Anyway, over the last few days (since Friday) I've been attempting to deal with some demons that have, at long last, surfaced. It's been a pretty rough ride, and unfortunately, I don't think it's over. BUT! I've made it this far and have come to observe some interesting "observations" about me from my past...
Since probably my sophomore or junior year of college, I've been forcing myself to focus on those around me and what I can do to make their lives better/easier/more joyful...anything! And all the while forcing any minuscule thought or desire on how to better my life and joyfulness into the abyss. "How selfless and nice of me..." some might think...and actually, that was pretty much my motive. I wanted to be the best friend/person I could so those around me would reciprocate.
I won't argue that it's a bad thing to do this because flat out, I don't know. But I do know that it is unhealthy to not focus on your personal problems and issues for 3-4 years. I consciously buried a great many of my issues and bottled them up; we all know what happens then...KA-BOOM!!
My bomb went off at 2-3 am on Friday night. And that's when it all came out:
"I'm a failure." "I'm a wash out." "I can't make/keep good friends." "Everything about me is a lie."
Stuff like that was just spewing out of my mouth to my roommate Paul. And since then I've truly realized that a lot of this is just a bunch of crap that resulted from me not facing my issues. Over the last 4 years I've gone out of my way to change who I am in order to impress certain people; made friends with, not the WRONG people, just not the RIGHT ones; turned my back on the things that help me through tough times (i.e. sitting in a dark, candle lit room with me and my guitar; cleaning my freakin' room!).
So far today, I've scoured my kitchen, living room and hallway, and feel better now than I have in months! I have an amazing roommate who makes time for those around him even when he's got his own drama to deal with. I've made an amazing friend who I can just talk on the phone for HOURS and feel relaxed! Those of you who know me, know that I don't talk for more than like 10 or 15 minutes on the phone...Heck, I don't talk very much at all!
I don't think I'm a failure, because to fail is to be alone. And I'm not.
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2 comments:
I am amazed at how often our demons and skeletons hang around our heads, rearing its ugly face when we are most vulnerable. I know for me that I have many many issues that I face on a daily basis. Yet, whenever that oppression comes I alone have to turn my head to the Lord. Recently I have found solace in reading God's word in low light, simulating the feel of the monks of old. Of course, living in Vanguard Center limits the use of candles of incense, but I can only imagine the sensory experience it must be to feel like the Saints of old.
Stay strong my friend.
i can really identify with some of the things you're saying here. it helps me interpret my past, to read the reflections of others.
man... i had forgotten that you were a quality blogger. i can't say anything though; i don't post nearly as often as i used to, either.
keep it up!
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